Men often ask me, “Wayne… how do I know if it’s time to get out of my relationship?” It’s rarely an easy question, but it means something in the relationship needs attention right now. That doesn’t mean “pack your bags today,” but it does mean you can’t afford to keep avoiding the truth.

Many men I’ve worked with stay stuck here. They know how they feel, but they’re afraid of what taking action might mean.

Fear of letting go.

Fear of starting over.

Fear of making a mistake or regret.

Fear of being alone or hurting the kids.

When fear is steering the ship, you freeze. You sit on the fence for months or years, hoping the answer will appear before your eyes without you having to face it.

It won’t.

Your Path to Getting Clear

We as men try to think our way through this decision.

The answers you seek won’t come from more overthinking, they come from doing the work.

Here’s where to start:

1. Talk it through with someone outside the situation.​
   You need a space where you’re not protecting anyone’s feelings. When you say things honestly and out loud, your truth becomes obvious.
2. Pay attention to your body.​
   Think about staying right where you are for another year. Notice what happens in your chest, your stomach, your jaw. Your body often reveals what your mind avoids.
3. Do the deeper work.​
   Marriage Coaching. Therapy. Bodywork.

These help you move the old energy out of your body so you can finally feel what’s real for you now. Not what fear, guilt, or history is telling you. You can’t get clear when you’re carrying around every unresolved emotion inside you.

This kind of work changes men.

As Ty put it after doing his work with me:

“Working with Wayne has been a game-changer in my life. I credit him with helping me achieve multiple breakthroughs over my years of consistently working with him. My wife and family agree that my on-going work with Wayne has made me a better man. If you need to make a change or move the ball in your relationships, work, or life, don’t hesitate, don’t delay, don’t put off what will start your revolution.”​
— TY (Spain)

Why This Matters

There’s an old saying in business: “It’s easier to hire than to fire.”

Relationships are similar. It’s much easier to start one than to leave one—because by the time you’re thinking about leaving, there are years of history, shared dreams, guilt, obligation, kids, and fear tied to your decision. But staying years longer than you should is one of the most painful paths a man can walk.

It costs you your energy, your momentum, your self-respect…and eventually, your joy.

Men often wait until they’re already halfway out the door before they get help, and by then they’ve usually made up their mind and they’re just looking for permission.

Marriage coaching helps before that point, while there’s still a real decision to make. It helps to show you what’s happening in your marriage and what part you’re playing in it.

I’ve worked with men who were sure it was over and found their way back.

I’ve worked with men who hoped I’d talk them into staying and left with the clarity to go instead.

You don’t need to decide today whether to stay or go.

You just need to get clear.

That’s the work.

The post Facing the Fear of Change in Your Marriage appeared first on BetterMen Coaching.

I’ve watched it happen for 30 years.

Some of you may be in couples counselling right now. That’s good.

You should be doing everything you can to get healthy, to find answers, to work together and solve the problems in your relationship.

Therapy can be a real crapshoot, and I know, because I trained as a therapist myself.

There are some good ones out there, but more often than not, you’ll work with someone who hasn’t lived enough or done their own work to help you.

Which is very unfortunate, because sometimes you pick the wrong therapist when a different one might have helped and changed the outcome of your relationship.

Couples counselling and coaching do two different jobs

Couples counselling works on the relationship.

Coaching helps prepare you to be the man you want to be inside that relationship.

Do that work first, and you walk into couples counselling as a different man.

You know what you want. You can say it to her confidently, and you stop waiting on her to change so you can feel alright.

That’s where things between the two of you can start to turn.

You’re arguing with phantoms

In my book, Hold On to Your N.U.T.s: The Relationship Manual for Men, I lay out 8 tools every man needs to have the kind of relationship, and the kind of life, he truly wants.

One of those tools matters more than ever when things get rough: don’t argue.

Some of you have had a lot of arguing in your relationship, and it’s time to stop.

You’re arguing with phantoms: old feelings and wounds that were created long before she ever came along.

When you’re arguing, you’re not really there. And right now, you need to be present.

It starts with you

You don’t have to wait until it’s the last chance.

The work is here for you now, and it starts with you.

But you can’t do all of it alone.

You need support to be the man you want to be, and couples counselling won’t give you that.

If you want help getting clear on what you want and how to be that man in your relationship, book a free 15-minute consultation call with me. We’ll look at where you’re at and what needs to change.

If you’re ready to go further start with a 90-minute Evaluation & Coaching Session, a focused conversation to help you see clearly and know your next step.

You can also grab a copy of my book, Hold On to Your N.U.T.s, if you’d like to learn more about these ideas on your own first.

The post One move that could save your marriage appeared first on BetterMen Coaching.

But on the other side of that difficult process are some amazing gifts. One of them is freedom, but you have to earn it.

Simply getting divorced doesn’t get you there. You have to learn the lessons and do the work. And if you do, one day you’ll wake up feeling free. Really free. Free to figure out who you are and to experience the things you want in life.

I’m so happy now, but if you’d seen me in the middle of my divorce, I looked very different. I was really depressed for a while, because this process can get you down.

Once it was over, I got excited about what was coming next — what I could learn, where I could go, and who I could be.

There’s gold on the other side of this process. But before you get there, there are some things you need to understand going in.

You Bring Your Marriage Into the Divorce

Whatever was happening in your marriage — whatever was dysfunctional between the two of you — is going to show up in spades during the divorce process.

If she felt you were a bully in the marriage, she’ll come into the process believing she’s dealing with a bully. If she felt you weren’t a good listener, if you were angry, or that you didn’t care — whatever it is, whether it was true or not — it was true for her. That’s what you’re up against.

It’s important to not be naive about this process. The better you understand the state of that relationship, the better you’re going to be able to respond to everything coming at you over the next few months.

What You’re Afraid of Losing

One of the things that worries men going into divorce — or even just thinking about it — is how much it’s going to change their lives.

What’s going to happen with the kids? The house? Family and friends?

Maybe you’re afraid of losing time with your children. Starting over at 50 and being alone. Watching everything you built together get divided up in a lawyer’s office.

I worried about all of that when I was considering divorce, and I had one more fear on top of it.

I’m a counsellor and a coach. I have men coming to see me every week, one-on-one and in groups. I thought, are they going to write me off? If Wayne can’t hold on to his own relationship, what are we coming to talk to him about?

Nobody mutinied.

Which was very interesting and wonderful, because there was so much to learn.

One of the upsides I couldn’t have predicted: I built a relationship with my adult son that’s much deeper than it was before. There was so much for him to learn about himself, growing up in our family. So much coming to light because of the work I was doing during my divorce.

You can’t control what’s going to happen, but what’s supposed to happen will. The lessons that need to be learned — not just by you, but by everybody involved — will be learned.

Have faith that in the end, good things will happen as a result of being honest with yourself and going forward through this process, no matter how painful it may be.

What’s Underneath It All

Underneath all the coaching tools, the guidance, and the follow-through — is where spirituality enters for me, and I think it’s critical.

Connecting to whatever it is you believe in: God, the divine, nature, the cosmos, whatever it is. Building that faith and trusting that what’s flowing to you is flowing as it should.

For most of my life, I gutted it out. I’m telling you, it’s painful.

Building faith changed me. And if you’re in this process right now, change is coming anyway. Why not go all-in and make this a bigger change?

Becoming a more spiritual, connected man will serve you well for the rest of your life.

Divorce Coaching Can Help

Going through a divorce is one of the hardest things a man can face. Having the right support during that process makes a real difference — not just for getting through it, but for coming out the other side as a better man.

Divorce coaching and marriage coaching for men is about helping you understand what’s really happening, why old patterns keep showing up, and what it’s going to take to move forward with clarity and self-respect.

Whether you’re trying to save your marriage or navigating the end of one, that guidance matters.

I’ve worked with men through both for over 30 years. The ones who come out strongest are the ones who stop trying to figure it all out alone.

The post How to Find Yourself After Divorce appeared first on BetterMen Coaching.

Sharing your life with the person you want to share it with? Doing the work you want to do? Enjoying the hobbies you want to enjoy? Travelling where you want to go?

What is it that you want in this life?

A lot of men get to a place where they can’t — or won’t — imagine what they want anymore. They feel so resigned to the shitty state of their lives, and forced to live forever with some of the choices they made when they were younger.

So they stop imagining, and stop letting themselves go there.

If that’s you, I want to offer you something today.

The Magic Wand

I do this exercise with the men I work with.

If you could wave a magic wand and that thing you want to change would change — what would it look like?

Where would you be? Who would you be with? What would your days look like? Where would you be working? What would you do just for fun?

If you don’t have the courage to do that exercise, if you don’t have the courage to imagine something different beyond what your current life looks like, nothing will change.

I mean that.

What Happens When You Do

A man I worked with experienced this firsthand.

“Wayne helped me find some calm at a very sad and desperate time in my life. I was once a joyless CPA, close to separation from my wife. Years later, I am happily married, pursuing my helicopter pilot’s licence, something my heart desired but my brain would not even allow me to think about back then.”

A joyless CPA who couldn’t even let himself imagine something new, and now his life looks completely different.

That’s what can happen when you open up to imagining what your life could look like.

Once you get clear about something you’d like to see change, all your energy can go into that.

The universe wants to support you, but you have to open up to it. Because once the energy shifts, you have no idea what’s coming your way.

So don’t cut yourself off from that possibility before it ever gets a chance. It’s not too late, too selfish, or too far gone. You don’t have to stay stuck where you are.

What to Do With This Today

Wave the magic wand.

Think about it, journal about it, talk to people about it, talk to your partner about it.

What would you like to see happen?

Let yourself want something again.

You might be surprised what becomes possible when you do.

The post Are you living the life you want? appeared first on BetterMen Coaching.

When I first answered this letter, “toxic masculinity” wasn’t yet a phrase men had to navigate every time they tried to talk about being a man.

A lot has changed. And yet the men I work with today are dealing with the exact same thing this man described. If anything, it’s more common. More men are walking on eggshells in their own homes, more confused about what being strong looks like, and more convinced that the answer is to do less, say less, and take up less space.

It isn’t.

The answer is still the same one I gave in 2014. You have to become the man who can hold steady when she can’t, because that’s what she needs from you, and if you’re honest, it’s what you want to be able to give her.

Here’s the original letter:

Dear Wayne,

I have a hard time with my wife. She is very loving and supportive. But when she gets upset about something, she goes from zero to 100 in the blink of an eye. I mean it. She can get so upset and irrational, so quickly, all I can do is try to hang on or get out of the way. But when I try to excuse myself, it makes her even more irate. This has felt like an impossible situation for years. I read your book and I have stopped arguing. But the insanity continues. Something has to change. Please give me some direction.

Signed, In the Line of Fire

The One Who Has to Change Is You

You can’t handle your wife, or at least her emotional outbursts. And when she sees that, it’s like throwing gasoline on her raging inferno. I think it’s time to share with you an important firefighting technique.

The Controlled Burn

What you currently have with your wife is the opportunity to manage a “controlled burn.”

In the forest, controlled burns are used to encourage the germination of desirable trees that would otherwise be prevented from growing by older growth. Your wife has some old habits that can be burned away if you can demonstrate some new growth of your own.

I suspect that as she gets bigger (more emotional) your tendency has been to get smaller (wanting to run away.) Pretty common stuff.

Just as she needs someone strong who isn’t afraid of or overwhelmed by her emotions, you shrink and want to hide because her outbursts send you back to your childhood. The way to silence the little boy in you (so you can care for the little girl in her) is to act more like the man you want to be.

What That Man Looks Like

So what does that man look like? Let me make a few suggestions.

He is not afraid of his wife. He is the rock, and can remain completely unscathed by her emotional comings and goings. He commits to being the man with his wife, not the little boy who grew up with an overbearing parent.

For a lot of men who had an emotional mom or raging dad, any emotional rise in temperature takes them back to a time when it was safer to be silent, invisible, or just gone. But you’re all grown up now. What your wife needs is for you to be strong, present, and loving.

When you shrink away, you’re making it all about you. What she needs in these moments is for you to make it all about her.

“It’s impossible to cherish and protect your girl when you’re acting like a little boy.”

Why She Gets This Way

Without getting into too much psyche tech talk, just know that for whatever reason, your loving and supportive wife didn’t grow up in such a loving and supportive home herself.

Despite that, she’s a great woman who still behaves—sometimes—as if she’s in that home of her childhood. When you can’t take it, then her experience is just like it was back in the day.

But when you are strong, she’ll have a new experience, and that’s when the new growth will really take off.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

I worked with a man, let’s call him Mark, who couldn’t figure out why his marriage felt so off.

He did everything his wife asked. He planned Mother’s Day, ran the errands, volunteered for all the kid pick-ups. Yet no matter what he did, she stayed unhappy, and he stayed anxious. He called me convinced he just needed to “learn how to make her happy.”

I told him that was his first mistake.

Mark’s problem wasn’t his wife’s moods, it was that he’d handed over his authority.

Every decision, every emotion, every ounce of his self-respect was waiting for her stamp of approval. He wasn’t a husband anymore. He was a man auditioning for the role of “good little boy.” And the more he chased her approval, the more her unhappiness had nowhere to go but up.

When I told him that, he laughed the nervous laugh of a man who knows you’re right but wishes you weren’t.

So we began small. He stopped apologizing for everything. He stopped explaining his decisions. He started saying, “Here’s what I’m doing,” instead of, “Is that okay with you#8221;

At first, his wife pushed back. But over time, she relaxed. The tension in the house dropped. She didn’t have to manage him anymore, and he didn’t have to resent her for it.

When you give your power away, you create the very disconnect you’re afraid of. No woman wants to be married to a little boy. And no amount of compliance will calm a woman who needs a man to hold steady.

You Can Control This Burn

Although it takes two to tango—or in this case, to start a forest fire—you, being the man you want to be, can completely control this burn. And when you do, she’ll feel so much more secure and so much more loved.

In time you’ll realize that, as you grow stronger as a man and husband, her “infernos” will have no more power than that of a single match. And when that day arrives, you’ll be able to retire your firefighting gear.

Ready to Do This Work?

If this hits home, don’t let it sit on the shelf.

I put together a free 5-day email course called The BetterMen Journey: 5 Days to Becoming the Man You’re Meant to Be.

It’s for men who are ready to stop drifting and start showing up – in their marriages, with their kids, and in their own lives.

Click here to start The BetterMen Journey for free

Coach Wayne

The post Do You Know How to Handle Your Highly Emotional Wife? appeared first on BetterMen Coaching.

My client couldn’t stand watching it. He wanted her to confront him, cut ties, do something. So he pushed her and kept bringing it up. He made it an ongoing issue between them.

She started pulling away from him.

Her resentment toward her father started bleeding into how she felt about her husband. He thought he was helping her, but he was just pouring salt on the wound.

Another man I work with has a wife whose mother is narcissistic. Every phone call or visit leaves his wife feeling beaten down.

He wanted to step in, call the mother himself, say his piece. But after we talked it through, he tried something different.

He backed off, stopped making it an issue, and quit nagging her about it.

Once he gave her that room, she started making the changes she needed to make on her own.

You push because you love her.

You hate watching her get beaten down by the same person, over and over.

You feel helpless, and pushing is the only thing that feels like doing something.

I’ve watched this play out for over 30 years of coaching men.

You can’t effectively change her relationships. When you push, you become another source of pressure in her life.

If her father or mother is already treating her badly, the last thing she needs is her husband adding to the weight.

And when you keep pushing, you need to hear this: you’re bullying her. The same way her father does.

You can tell her how it affects you. That’s honest, and it’s fair. Say it clearly, but then stop.

Stop bringing it up every time her dad calls. Stop treating her healing like a problem that’s yours to solve.

Be supportive, loving, and steady.

That’s the job.

What you can try next time.

The next time one of her relationships flares up, and you feel the urge to push, pause and ask yourself:

“Am I helping her right now, or am I managing my own discomfort#8221;

Say what you need to say, then let her be a grown woman who can work through this in her own time.

That’s what being in her corner actually looks like.

If you’ve been pushing and you’re not sure how to stop without feeling helpless, that’s exactly the kind of work we do together. Book a free 15-minute phone consultation call with me today.

The post Stop trying to fix her relationships appeared first on BetterMen Coaching.

But if you’re honest with yourself, you’ve quit more times than you’d like to count.

You quit when things got inconvenient. When the change you committed to took too long. When you were tired, frustrated, or not getting the support you needed.

Sometimes you quit just to make a point – to show her, to prove something to yourself, to get out from under the pressure.

And sometimes that little boy takes the wheel and quits on your behalf.

Where it really shows up:

You quit on your relationship when she isn’t behaving the way you need her to.

You quit on being the disciplinarian your kids actually need.

You quit on the changes you swore you’d make when they started feeling too painful or too slow.

One of the men I worked with put it to me this way: “When will I stop being me#8221;

He’d been doing the work for years. He was a different man in a lot of ways, but the old patterns still surfaced sometimes, and that frustrated him. He felt like he should be further along and was tempted to give up.

That’s more common than many men want to admit.

When you come to this work in your 30s, 40s, or 50s, you’ve got years of conditioning behind you. In some cases, you’ve dug a pretty deep hole.

The behaviors and patterns that got you here took a long time to build, and they won’t come down in a week.

But here’s what I know to be true after 30 years of working with men: when you string days and weeks and months together, when you keep showing up even when it’s slow and frustrating and uncomfortable — change does happen.

It just never gets the chance if you quit.

What you can try next time.

The next time you feel the urge to walk away from the work, from the conversation, or from the commitment you made, ask yourself: “Is this me making a clear-headed decision, or is this the little boy looking for a way out#8221;

You don’t have to have it all figured out right now, you just have to stay in it one more day.

That’s the only way it works.

The little boy quits. The man honors his commitments.

And if these blog posts have been helping you, I encourage you to pass them on. There are men in your life right now who are quietly quitting on themselves because they don’t have the support to keep going.

You know who they are, and sending this to them might be the thing that gets them back on track.

The post Why Men Quit On Themselves (And How to Stop) appeared first on BetterMen Coaching.

So let’s talk about you and your exes.

If you are engaged in any way with the women from past relationships, there is something that’s not working in your current relationship.

Now if they’re the mother of your children, that’s something completely different. But whatever you’re getting from one or many of those past relationships, you’re not getting from the woman you’re with now.

That’s what you need to understand.

The Back Door

I talk about this in my book, Hold On to Your N.U.T.s​

In order to have a successful long-term committed relationship, you have to close the back doors. That means porn, online chatting, paying for this, paying for that.

In this case we’re talking about your former relationships.

If you have these women around you and you are putting energy into these various relationships, whether they’re flirtatious, sexual, or whatever they may be—it’s going to keep you from being fully available to the woman that you want to have a committed relationship with.

Maybe you don’t know how to get that thing you want in your current relationship, and a former lover or girlfriend is satisfying that need on some level.

I guarantee you from the experiences I’ve had coaching men for over 30 years, this is the back door you need to shut.

What It’s Costing You

If it’s not showing up in your life yet, or if your current woman is not feeling the effects of this, I assure you if you stay in that relationship it’s going to come up.

It’s going to become an issue.

One of the things we all want, men and women, is to be connected. We want to be close. Even in relationships where couples are going at each other, what they really want is to come together.

But they’re doing things that are going to push each other apart. What they’re fighting about is that lack of intimacy.

And if you’re not having that intimate relationship with the woman you’re with, you will oftentimes blame her. Blame her for not getting what you need, and it’s usually not her fault. Although she is a participant, when we figure out what we’re doing to push intimacy away, it can have a huge effect.

It’s often enough to create the intimacy to draw our woman back in and build the life you want to have with her.

But you can’t build that if you’re still holding onto exes.

The Familiar Trap

If you’re blaming her and you’re not having that intimacy, you’re going to go to something that’s familiar.

And that’s where the exes come in. In your mind, you feel that she gets you, that you can talk to her about anything. All of that energy, all of that connection that is happening there, is never going to happen in your current relationship.

Eventually there will be a cumulative effect and your current relationship will suffer the consequences.

Your woman will feel it.

And likely it will either be an unhappy relationship or you’ll end up with no relationship at all.

Take Off the Rose-Colored Glasses

Maybe your ex gets you.

But there’s also a reason why she’s your ex. You have to take off the rose-colored glasses, get real, and stop acting like a little boy who just wants to have what he wants in the moment. Be the man in this situation.

Understand that woman had a role in your life. There was a time and a place, but now is not that time and place.

Now is the time to face what’s really going on.

Here’s one reset you can try:

Knowing that you can get what you need from the woman you’re with, why not start working on that instead?

To do that you might need a little help. You might need to see a counsellor, or get some coaching. You might need to talk to a man you trust, get into a men’s group, or whatever it is that works for you.

Find out what you can do to create that intimacy with the woman you’re with, or at least to cut off the exes so that you make yourself available to a woman who can satisfy those needs. This is the work.

The reason to let go of your exes is to make the most out of your current relationship.

If you’re not getting what you want from her right now, then there’s the work that you can start doing today.

This doesn’t mean you’re supposed to get everything that you need in life from the woman you’re with, but she certainly ought to be able to satisfy what you need from a woman in a relationship. And that can’t happen with exes still around.

So get rid of them, shut the back door, and take some time to think about this: if you were the man you want to be right now in your long-term relationship, what would you do?

Would it include saying goodbye to your exes?

I think you already know the answer.

The post Are you still holding onto your exes? appeared first on BetterMen Coaching.

Much has been written about what’s happening in our society to cause these fears. But here, let’s focus on what we, as men, can do to make our relationships a safe place, and examine how to create emotional safety in a relationship. 

We often go about our lives in a strikingly unconscious way. Meaning, we usually aren’t aware of what motivates us, how we’re coming across to others, or what we could actually do to change, even if we wanted to. In order to begin the process of learning to create emotional safety in marriage, we first have to understand what it means to feel safe in a relationship and why it is important to feel safe in a relationship.

Some of the things we’ll discuss next may or may not sound vital to you. But I can assure you of three things:

1. Your partner is keenly aware of the importance of emotional safety in a relationship.
2. She is equally aware of whether she currently feels safe in her relationship with you. 
3. And whether you’re aware of it yourself, feeling emotionally safe in your relationship is equally important to you individually, to your relationship, and to the health of your relationship.

What is Emotional Safety?

Feeling safe in a relationship can mean several things:

• Being comfortable to speak one’s mind
• Feeling heard and respected
• Trusting your partner and feeling trusted yourself
• Feeling valued
• Being validated
• Able to resolve conflicts lovingly
• Experiencing a love affair in your home

How would you evaluate your experience in your relationship based on the above criteria? It may be a challenge for you to make the assessment. Why? Well, if you haven’t been paying attention to her needs, you’ve probably ignored your own, as well. 

Are you speaking freely and respectfully? Or did you stop sharing your feelings a long time ago because of the arguments that ensued? 

Do you feel valued, and do you make an effort to let your partner know that she’s valued by you? Or have you felt unappreciated and allowed your “little boy” to pout, neglecting her needs?

It’s impossible to consistently offer your partner what she needs if you’re disconnected from your own need for emotional safety. That’s why it’s essential for men to do their inner work, whether through therapy, coaching or a men’s retreat or a men’s group.

Why is it Important to Feel Safe in a Relationship?

It’s important to feel safe in a relationship if the objective is to have an intimate, trusting and loving experience. 

When safety is absent, so will be the inclination to share, to communicate. We all know by now that good communication is essential for a successful relationship. Once the communication suffers, the relationship as a whole will deteriorate.

You stop talking. Then you stop making plans. Then your sex life goes to shit. And then, you’re feeling stuck with seemingly no solution. Does this sound familiar? Well, I hope not. But if it does, then it’s time to learn how to make your partner feel safe in a relationship.

How to Make Your Partner Feel Safe in a Relationship

To make your partner feel emotionally safe, you’re going to have to do a little work:

1. Share your thoughts with her in a loving way and encourage her to do the same

This means you have to be honest and you have to learn to stop talking long enough so she has a chance to fully express herself to you without you rushing to fix things, to defend yourself, or do anything else that will deflect or distract from what she’s trying to share with you.

2. Eliminate all criticism from your conversations

If you expect your woman to trust you and to feel safe with you, you must not be critical of her…period! That will probably require you to learn new ways of communicating with her when you’re not happy with something. 

If you start by saying things like, “Why did you do that?” or, “Are you kidding me?!” or anything in that vein, you’re chipping away at her femininity, making her feel bad, hurting her feelings, and pushing her away.

Instead, you’ll need to approach her in a very different way. For instance, “Hey babe, when you said that, it made me feel pretty terrible,” or “I get really frustrated when I need a tool and realize that it’s not in its place. That’s really important to me.”

Sharing how you feel, rather than leading with some critical statement, will encourage her to stay with you in the conversation so you can both be heard, validated, and appreciated.

3. Be a man of your word so she can fully trust you

This one is simple. If you say you’re going to do something, do it! If you need to have a conversation first or consult your calendar, then do so before you commit. If you don’t intend to do it, well then, don’t make the promise! A man is judged by his actions. If your words don’t match up with your actions, how can she possibly trust you?

4. Make sure there’s a love affair in your home

Be affectionate. Honor her love language. Acknowledge and appreciate what she does for you and your family. Plan date nights and weekends away. Surprise her.

The list is endless. But in order to embrace this approach, you have to want it; you have to want her. You can’t fake…at least not for very long. Because if it’s not coming from the heart, you’ll be inconsistent, and eventually forget all about this love affair thing.

I hope this looks at the importance of emotional safety in relationships and what it is and how to truly feel safe in a relationship, has offered you some helpful guidance for your own journey to creating a safe place for you and your partner in your relationship. There’s obviously much more to learn and practice to discover your individual path to becoming the best man you can be, and the man who’ll make your woman feel safe. 

Most men can benefit from the support of an experienced guide who can coach them through this amazing journey of growth and self-realization. It’s a journey well worth taking.

If you’re ready, you can book a 1-on-1 free consultation for 15 minutes, so we can discuss ways you can be the best man possible for yourself and, ultimately, the self-aware, compassionate, and confident man your partner is waiting for.

The post Emotional Safety in Relationships: What It Is & How to Truly Feel Safe appeared first on BetterMen Coaching.

There are many anger management programs, support groups and specialty therapies that have proven quite effective. The suggestions in this blog will not likely address your immediate needs.

But if you find yourself feeling angry quite a bit, and having occasional over-the-top reactions to life’s small inconveniences, then the advice offered here may be very helpful in guiding you toward new, healthier perspectives and behaviors.

We talk a lot about how to cope with anger management issues. And I’ll discuss a few tactics that might come in handy. But the ultimate goal is not management…it’s the reduction and elimination of the anger. If you can identify the source of your anger, you just may be able to heal the old wounds so your life isn’t all about “how to manage my anger.”

When to Seek Anger Management Help: Signs You Shouldn’t Ignore

Look, I get it. Nobody wants to admit they need help with their anger. But there are some clear warning signs that tell you when it’s time to stop trying to handle this on your own and get professional support.

If any of these situations sound familiar, you need to pick up the phone and call someone today:

• Hurting Loved Ones

When your partner, kids, or close friends are walking on eggshells around you, that’s a problem. If you’ve said things in anger that you can’t take back, or if people you care about have told you they’re afraid of your temper, it’s time to get help.

• Frequent Explosions

We all have bad days, but if you’re exploding over small things on a regular basis, your anger has taken the driver’s seat. When you find yourself yelling at cashiers, punching walls, or having road rage incidents, that’s your body telling you something needs to change.

• Work Problems

If you’ve gotten warnings at work, lost friendships, or people are starting to avoid you because of your temper, your anger is costing you more than you realize. When your professional relationships suffer because people can’t predict how you’ll react, that’s a red flag.

• Losing Control

There’s a difference between feeling frustrated and feeling like you’re watching yourself from outside your body while you rage. If you have moments where you don’t remember what you said or did while angry, or if you feel like a completely different person takes over, that’s serious flooding that needs professional attention.

• Physical Symptoms

Chronic anger doesn’t just hurt your relationships. It hurts your body too. If you’re dealing with headaches, high blood pressure, sleep problems, or stomach issues that seem to get worse when you’re stressed, your anger might be making you sick.

• Using Substances

If you’re drinking, using drugs, or relying on other substances to calm down after angry episodes, you’ve moved beyond normal anger into dangerous territory. This pattern can quickly spiral into addiction and make your anger problems even worse.

The bottom line is this: there’s no shame in getting help. In fact, recognizing when you’re in over your head and taking action to fix it is one of the most mature, responsible things you can do. Your family will thank you for it, your health will improve, and you’ll finally get to experience what life feels like without carrying all that rage around.

How to Manage Anger Issues in Daily Life

Here’s what men need to know about how anger affects their bodies. When we are triggered, the angry response will release various hormones and other chemicals into our bloodstream that make it literally impossible to stay grounded and available for a healthy interaction.

This process is called flooding. It can take anywhere from 20-30 minutes for men, specifically, to recover fully from this chemical reaction. That’s why we need to know a few anger management skills that will save us from destructive outcomes.

There are many available strategies to help you control your anger. Here are a few that I’ve found helpful for me and the men I’ve coached over the past 30 years.

• Count and Breathe

Counting to 10 and focusing on your breath is the most effective way to change the energy of the moment and to give you an opportunity to calm your nervous system, to keep from creating a negative situation, and to buy time to consider your next move.

• Remove Yourself

That next move might be to excuse yourself from the conversation or situation so you can clear your mind. If you’re dealing with a loved one, it’ll be important to let them know that you need a few minutes and that you’ll be back at a specified time.

When you do this, you’ll want to honor that commitment so that the conversation can continue in a calm and productive manner. If you don’t circle back, you’ll undermine trust in the relationship and simply kick the angry can to the next conversation.

• Move Your Body

Walking, running, push-ups, chopping wood, or any kind of workout or physical activity can help release negative energy from the body. The time allows you to be distracted, focusing on something completely different,  and gives you ample time to recover from the flooding.

How to Release Negative Energy from the Body

In our culture, men are not encouraged to fully express their anger. Why? Because it’s terrifying for the men and for those witnessing. What we’re used to seeing from angry men is damage to themselves and others, actions that can traumatize children, abuse women, and land them in family court or jail.

But there are ways for men to safely express their anger and rage that can protect everyone from potential negative consequences. And the reason to explore these methods is to allow a man to completely feel the depths of his rage. When that process is allowed, a man can, at least for a time, feel free from the negative energy in his body which allows him to feel the sadness that typically lives beneath the anger.

This is the path toward awareness and healing. Men rarely give themselves the opportunity to fully experience their rage in a safe environment. And because of that, most men continue to walk the planet carrying these short fuses that can so easily result in destructive outbursts.

Here are a few ways to safely release that pent-up anger and rage:

• Scream Your Lungs Out

Primal screaming was a very popular therapeutic intervention several decades ago. It went out of favor. But I’m still a fan of its fundamentals. You can be in your car, in the middle of the woods, or in an empty express elevator in a high-rise. Just scream as loud as you can, using words or sounds. Do it until you’re exhausted. That’s the key. 

• Destroy a Log

Take a bat, or a fallen tree branch, put on safety glasses and maybe gloves, and then beat the hell out of log. You can also just pound the ground. Again, words or sounds. It can be very helpful to direct your anger toward a specific person. You can direct it toward multiple people. The idea is to fully express your anger without any fear of consequences. You don’t have to be right. You just have to be honest with your feelings. Do it until you can no longer raise your arms. 

• Attack a Heavy Bag

Another method, like the bat and log, is to put on a pair of boxing gloves and release your anger on a heavy bag. You can punch, hit or kick it. Again, direct your anger toward the people or situations that have caused you pain and don’t stop until you simply cannot raise your arms.

These exercises can be done alone or with another man you trust who might have similar needs.

Once you learn how to release negative energy through movement and exercise, you will become more aware of the feelings beneath the anger and rage. These feelings can then lead you to deeper work, which can ultimately help you to heal the old wounds and leave the anger behind.

I hope this examination of: How to Manage Anger and Release Negative Energy has offered you some guidance for your own journey to manage your anger issues and to release the negative energy when you find yourself flooded. There’s obviously much more to learn and practice to discover the source of your anger, and ways to heal the old wounds at the center of it all. Most men can benefit from the support of an experienced guide who can coach them through this amazing journey of growth and self-realization. It’s a journey well worth taking.

If you’re ready, you can book a 1-on-1 free consultation for 15 minutes, so we can discuss ways you can be the best man possible for yourself and, ultimately, the self-aware, compassionate, and confident man your partner is waiting for.

The post How to Manage Anger and Release Negative Energy appeared first on BetterMen Coaching.

Maybe you want to let go of anger, judgment or resentments. I hope that this brief conversation will help you to define what inner peace is to you, how to find inner peace, and the benefits of reaching out for help along the way.

What is Inner Peace?

Sometimes it’s easier to define what is not, rather than what is. You know how it feels in the absence of inner peace. You may be consumed with anger, sadness, resentment, jealousy, FOMO, regret, anxiety or depression. We know that all of these emotional and psychological states can cause mental anguish and negative physical consequences. When we’re suffering like this, all we’re asking ourselves and others is, “How do I find inner peace?”

Inner peace can be described in countless ways. But if we refer to the ailments listed below, we might agree that inner peace consists of some of the following feelings:

• safe
• calm
• being present
• comfortable in your own skin
• confident
• relaxed
• trusting
• connection to spirit
• unconditional love

How wonderful would it be to be able to access these high vibrational states of being at will? Imagine being able to recognize when you’re beginning to fall into some negative thought pattern and being able to quickly adjust, let go and move on. Sounds almost magical, maybe impossible. It’s not.

How to Achieve Inner Peace

Let’s approach the process of allowing inner peace to enter our bodies and our minds through a three-step sequence:

1. Awareness
2. Letting Go
3. Allowing

Some people approach the pursuit of inner peace as if it’s something that requires hard work, sweat and dedication…like training for a triathlon Well, I like to think of it more as the gentle process of tuning in to your body, letting go of the negative, and then allowing inner peace to fill the void.

You become aware of the negative emotions by learning to pay attention to your body. Whenever you begin to feel any of the negative emotions listed above, there is a corresponding reaction in your body. It might be a tightness in your gut, shortness of breath, increased pulse, a heating up in a part of your body, a sudden chill somewhere in your body, or any number of other physical symptoms.

When you teach yourself to pay attention to these physical reactions, you are able to bring awareness to the moment and focus on the cause of the physical and emotional disruption. If you think about it, it all makes sense. You’ve experienced this connection thousands of times in your life. The key is to understand that being aware in the moment gives you an opportunity to make a change for the positive.

Letting Go of Anger

Let’s walk through this three-step process using the release of anger as our challenge.

Awareness

First, we’re aware of being angry. We feel it in our body, and we’re consumed with an intense focus of our thoughts of what we’d like to do to solve the problem, seek justice, or beat the crap out of someone on the other end of the phone. You are now aware!

Letting Go

The next step is letting go. One way to allow the angry energy to dissipate is through breath. Just choosing to breathe, slowly, is the most effective tool you own. Slowing down your heart rate, focusing in on the inhales and exhales, and then becoming aware of how your body is now relaxing and coming back to normal, increases your self-awareness and will make it easier each time you get off track emotionally. You are now letting go of the anger! Remember, this takes time and practice.

Allowing

The final step is allowed. Once you’ve calmed yourself and have allowed the energy associated with the anger to move through your breathing, you can now make a new choice. Rather than locking into the negative and having your entire day ruined by the angry moment, you can now allow the more positive attitude to manifest and allow a sense of inner peace to replace the energy you have released. The beginning of inner peace!

Of course, this brief description makes it sound so easy. It’s not. It takes time and practice. But it is a gentle process in the face of the more violent process taking place in your mind and body when you react so strongly to life’s curve balls.

What does Letting Go Mean?

Letting go is breathing in inner peace and breathing out everything that is no longer serving you. It may be something you do dozens of times a day to calm yourself. This kind of daily practice is powerful and can help you on your journey to inner peace.

But Wait, There’s One More Bonus Step!

That bonus set is reaching out for help. You can’t do this alone. I was certainly not able to make the changes in my life on my own. I had teachers. I attended workshops. I developed a daily spiritual practice. I reached out for help all of the time and in many different directions. I encourage you to do the same.

I hope this examination of: Journey to Inner Peace: Letting Go of Anger and Reaching Out for Help has offered you some guidance for your own journey to inner peace. There’s obviously much more to learn and practice to discover your individual path to inner peace. Most men can benefit from the support of an experienced guide who can coach them through this amazing journey of growth and self-realization. It’s a journey well worth taking.

If you’re ready, you can book a 1-on-1 free consultation for 15 minutes, so we can discuss ways you can be the best man possible for yourself and, ultimately, the self-aware, compassionate, and confident man your partner is waiting for.

The post Journey to Inner Peace: Letting Go of Anger and Reaching Out for Help appeared first on BetterMen Coaching.

Before we discuss some of these powerful tools to help reverse negative thought patterns so you can reclaim your happiness, let’s talk about these shame spirals and how they tend to completely overtake your thoughts, making it difficult to focus on daily activities and challenging to fall back to sleep at 2 am.

What is A Shame Spiral

A shame spiral occurs when one has more and more feelings of shame about what they’ve done or who they are. The intensity grows to such a degree that the person suffering finds themselves in a constant loop of self-judgment, self-loathing, and inadequacy. 

This negative self-talk feeds upon itself and can lead to serious bouts of anxiety, depression, as well as other serious, unhealthy behaviors. If you’ve found yourself helpless to a shame spiral, you know exactly how awful it can feel.

The shame spiral is often brought on by some triggering event, like a conversation, an email, or watching a video that brings back memories. But for those who have suffered for years, a simple wandering of the mind, at any moment, can send them into a shame spiral. 

Essentially, as a person re-experiences this original shame through these episodes, the more powerful become the memories of the initial experience, and the more powerless one feels while spiraling in this vortex of negative thought patterns.

How to Get Out of a Shame Spiral

To stop a shame spiral in its tracks, you first have to be aware of the choices you’re making that allow the shame spiral to take hold. That’s right! You’re actually choosing to give your power away to this negative experience. Now, it doesn’t feel like a choice, and this is certainly not a judgment of you. But when you recognize that you can make a different, positive choice, you begin to realize the power you have to change course and reclaim your happiness.

Let’s examine some of the things you can do when struck by a shame spiral that can help you minimize this suffering in the future.

• Breathe.

Breathing is the foundation of most meditative practices because it is the first step to calming one’s mind and to be present for the meditation. Likewise, when the shame spiral starts, breathing slowly and intentionally can help you to calm your mind and to be present to the new choice of thinking more positive thoughts, like as gratitude for all that you have and all that you have achieved.

• Remind yourself that you have a choice to make.

The unconscious choice of allowing yourself to fall victim to the shame spiral has been reinforced over and over again for years. To develop a new pattern, you’ll want to practice and reinforce a new choice. Rather than allowing an old behavior to rule you, you’ll choose to redirect your focus to doing something productive, listening to calming music, exercising, etc., until you train your body to automatically choose to care for yourself and to refuse the negative thought patterns to govern your mood.

• Remember that no one on the planet is obsessing about this as much as you are.

When we dive into a shame spiral, it becomes the center of all things and completely distorts our perspective. We may be looping about an incident, a conversation, or even a brief interaction that happened weeks, months, or even years ago. We relive it over and over and experience it as if it just happened yesterday. But it didn’t. And whoever else was involved is probably not giving it a second thought. It’s important to remember that. You’re the only one obsessing.

• Focus on the importance of forgiving yourself.

Whether you did or said something inappropriate, wrong, or offensive, or are simply imagining you’re to blame for something, you don’t deserve to continue to punish yourself. That’s what shame spirals are all about…punishment. The truth is, you would probably forgive anyone else for doing what you think you’ve done. So why not extend the same grace to yourself as you would to others?

• Know that you are human and all humans have made and will make more mistakes.

Making mistakes is human. As they say, it’s not a bug, it’s a feature. Volumes have been written by very successful people grateful for their mistakes. It was through their mistakes, not their success, that taught them their most valuable lessons in life and business. We’ve all made them and will continue to make them. But if you learn from them and forgive yourself, you’re being the best human you can be.

• Journaling can support you to love yourself, to forgive yourself, and to be proud of the efforts you’re making, and let go of these past events.

Self-love is so important for our psychological and physical health. In fact, not loving yourself makes it challenging to truly love others. Journaling can help you to focus on self-love and your commitment to forgiveness and happiness. In fact, journaling is a wonderful tool to support you in all of your efforts to break negative thought patterns and to eliminate the shame spiral once and for all.

Figuring out how to stop negative thought patterns and shame spiraling is important for our mental health. It’s worth your effort to find what works best for you so you can learn to forgive yourself for past mistakes and reclaim your happiness. 

Every man’s journey is different, as are his particular needs. Most men can benefit from the support of an experienced guide who can shepherd them through the process. It’s a journey well worth the effort.

If you’re ready, you can book a 1-on-1 free consultation for 15 minutes so we can discuss ways you can be successful with your own efforts to let go and move on!

The post How to Stop Negative Thought Patterns and Shame Spiral appeared first on BetterMen Coaching.

So, what am I talking about?

When we examine positive and negative emotions, thoughts of all kinds, the words we speak, and all of our actions, we’re really witnessing the manifestation of energy in some of its many forms.

The universe consists of very small particles, all of which contain various forms of energy. We, as humans, are part of that universe and are also made of these particles. Energy is what runs our central nervous system, directs our body to move as we desire, allows us to create thoughts, and fills our mind and body with emotions.

We know that it’s all energy because we have phrases in our language that we use to describe that everyday. For instance:

• That dude has some negative energy.
• That performance was amazing, she has such great energy.
• Let’s get out of this restaurant; the energy is really off.
• I think I’ll rest today because my energy is really low, etc.

We are sensitive to energy, even if many of us give it little thought. Though we can feel when a tense interaction calms down, we may not realize that what we’re experiencing is an energetic shift. And it’s this kind of energetic shift that we want to focus on when attempting to remove negative energy by practicing acceptance and letting go.

How to Practice Acceptance and Letting Go

Before we dive into the energetic shift we want to see happen so that we remove negative energy and allow space for something better, healthier to take its place, let’s define what it means to practice acceptance and letting go.

Acceptance is the opposite of resistance. For us humans, the pain we experience is always in the resistance. When we deny, fight, or deflect, all we’re doing is temporarily pushing things away or down. When we accept, what we’re doing is acknowledging what is at that moment. Acceptance isn’t about acquiescing or approving. It’s simply about seeing what is real for you in that moment. Once we can accept what is, we can then make choices as to how we’d like to proceed and what changes we would like to initiate.

We know that everything is energy. So when we think about how to cope with negative emotions or how to stop negative thoughts and emotions, we’re really talking about moving the negative energy or allowing the energy associated with those thoughts and emotions to move through and out of our physical bodies, or letting go.

Here’s a list of negative emotions you might like to let go of:

• Anger
• Jealousy
• Resentment
• Rage
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Fear
• Shame
• Embarrassment
• Sadness (though sadness is most often a positive, though uncomfortable emotion)

Although there are professionals trained to work with your body and to assist you in moving all forms of energy, you don’t need any special certifications to move the energy associated with these negative emotions on your own. It’s really just a matter of focus and intention.

How to Practice Letting Things Go

The first step is recognizing that something doesn’t feel right to you in your body. Most people are moving so quickly through their lives that they are disconnected from their bodies. They’re in their heads. This disconnection prevents us from acknowledging the signs that our bodies—physical, spiritual, and emotional—are in need of attention.

When you become aware, it’s then a matter of developing practices that can allow you to change your mood, thoughts, or perspective by removing negative energy. When the energy moves, you’ll actually feel the difference. It’s quite something.

Here’s one way to cleanse negative energy from your emotional body through visualization. 

Step One:

Sit comfortably, as you would for mediation. You can either sit upright or lay down. It might be helpful to play relaxing music and/or burn some form of incense, palo santo, etc.

Step Two:

Take a few deep, slow breaths until you begin to feel more present for this exercise. Then, just breathe normally for a few minutes, focusing on the inhales and exhales. This will help you bring more of your attention to this energetic practice.

Step Three:

Imagine there are shutters, like window shutters, attached to your heart. Visualize these shutters opening so that there’s a path to release the negative energy being trapped in your body.

Step Four:

As you continue to breathe slowly and deeply, you’re going to actually visualize the removal of your negative energy. With each inhale, you will welcome in acceptance of feelings you’re having, knowing that they are natural, even though uncomfortable. And as you exhale, you’re allowing those feelings to release and float away because you’re no longer in need of holding on to them. You’re letting them go…you’re learning to let go.

It’s a simple process, but one that needs to be done repeatedly. You can sit for a couple of minutes or longer. The idea is to sit long enough for a shift to happen that you can feel in your body or your mind. Sometimes that can happen quite quickly. When first starting out, it may take a while. Be patient.

What you’re doing is teaching your body a new and healthy way to be in a relationship with your emotions. Like any skill, it takes time to master. The good news is that it’s possible to feel real positive results fairly quickly. Now, not every attempt will bring the same results. Like any meditation, no two sets are ever the same.

What I’ve offered here is just one way for you to remove negative energy by practicing acceptance and letting go. There are many other ways to work with acceptance and letting go. Every man’s story is different, as are his particular needs, and most men can benefit from the support of an experienced guide who can shepherd them through the process. It’s a journey well worth the effort.

If you’re ready, you can book a 1-on-1 free consultation for 15 minutes so we can discuss ways you can be successful with your own efforts to let go and move on!

The post Remove Negative Energy by Practicing Acceptance and Letting Go appeared first on BetterMen Coaching.

Ultimately, what’s required is a shift in perspective. But causing that shift to happen isn’t so easy, as many of you have probably already discovered. The reason why it’s so difficult is that we are so stuck in our stories; the stories about what’s right and wrong, the stories about what we expect of ourselves, the stories about how important it is how others perceive us, and the stories about the things we did or said that we now regret.

I was once told that guilt is when you think you’ve done something wrong, while shame is when you think there’s something wrong with you. People use these terms interchangeably. So it may be helpful for you to think of guilt as guilt and shame as we go through this discussion.

To begin our examination of what it will take to have a positive shift in perspective so that we can ultimately overcome guilt and regret, we should take a moment to reflect on the lessons you’ve learned on your journey to manhood.

Here are a few things to consider:

Your Early Childhood Experiences

What happened to you as a kid has everything to do with who you are now as an adult. Experiences and trauma cause each of us to adjust in order to survive, or at least cope. Whether one or both of your parents were alcoholics, ragers, neglectful, physically abusive, emotionally manipulative, or absent, all have a profound impact on the little boy you once were. Understanding those early experiences can help you to see what work you’ll need to do to heal.

Relationship Experiences 

Although your childhood experiences will certainly affect how you are in romantic relationships, there are many things that happen when boy meets girl that can also impact the way you learn to deal with your emotions and how you’ve learned to deal with guilt and regret. For instance, if you came into your relationships as a pleaser. Regardless of how demanding your partners may have been, you’ve probably learned to take on the responsibility for their emotions, which will surely open the door to more opportunities for unnecessary guilt and regret.

Workplace Experiences

As you applied yourself in the work world, you again had to confront situations through the filter of that wounded little boy. Perhaps your early experiences caused you to be a perfectionist in an attempt to avoid criticism, or worse. Or maybe your pleasing tendencies made you an employee who said yes to everything, only to disappoint everyone by taking on too much and not asking for help. The consequences of these many choices ultimately led you to more and more feelings of regret and guilt.

As a result of all of these early childhood traumas, adolescent, early adulthood and more recent romantic relationships, as well as your experiences in the work place, you are a walking magnet for taking on the responsibility of others’ feelings and actions, and automatically believing that you’re somehow to blame. What a terrible recipe for unending feelings of guilt and regret. Time for a positive shift in perspective, don’t you think?

Let’s now examine some of the ways you can stop feeling bad about something you did, stop feeling guilty over small things, and learn how to overcome guilt and regret you’ve been carrying for years.

Eliminate the Negative Stories and Develop New, Healthy Stories

As I mentioned earlier, we need to rewrite the stories that we have become so attached to over the years; the stories about what’s right and wrong, what we expect of ourselves, how important it is how others perceive us, and the stories about the things we did or said that we now regret. To do all of this, I would suggest some or all of the following:

1. Work with an experienced mens life coach or therapist who can help you really understand how you came to create these stories, and the many ways you can begin to rewrite those stories to have a shift in perspective, and ultimately be free of the old, negative perspective that’s been guiding you all these years.
2. Work with an energy healer/body practitioner who can help you release the trapped energy making it difficult for your mind to move beyond those old, stuck stories. 
3. Develop a spiritual practice that includes meditation and breathwork. These practices can teach you to quiet your mind, let go of looping thoughts, and offer a completely new perspective on your life (and the universe, actually) when you connect with something that is greater than yourself, outside of your self.

This is a brief overview of what you can do to have a positive shift in perspective to overcome guilt and regret. There’s obviously much more to learn and work to do to begin to shed that negative perspective and be free from unending guilt and regret. Most men can benefit from the support of an experienced guide who can coach them through this journey of emotional healing. It’s a journey well worth taking.

If you’re ready, you can book a 1-on-1 free consultation for 15 minutes, so we can discuss ways you can be the best man possible for yourself and, ultimately, the self-aware, compassionate, and confident man your partner is waiting for.

The post A Positive Shift in Perspective to Overcome Guilt and Regret appeared first on BetterMen Coaching.

Well, depending on who you are and who you’ve been in your relationship, the problem can be any number of things. For instance:

• You would rather work than spend time with your wife
• You’re a workaholic husband
• Your wife doesn’t want to spend time with you
• You spend more time with your friends than with your wife
• You argue more than you enjoy yourselves when you’re together
• You have one foot out of the marriage.

This is actually a list of symptoms or consequences of the reality that your relationship is in serious trouble. So if you want to turn things around, you might want to start asking yourself much more essential questions, other than: how much time should I spend with my wife?

Important Questions to Ask Men Who Are Workaholics

Some of the questions you’ll want to ask yourself are:

• How do I really feel about my wife?
• What is making me feel unhappy, frustrated, sad, or depressed?
• Am I blaming my wife for my own unhappiness?
• How have I been showing up as a husband, and what can I do to reconnect with my wife?
• Am I a workaholic because I’m terrified about not providing well for my family?
• Am I just hiding out at work or with friends to avoid facing my marital issues?

Some suggestions for getting answers to these questions include:

• Working with a life coach who can help you dig into your past and connect the dots so you can appreciate how your earlier experiences have shaped you and your current, unhealthy behaviors.
• Reading books, watching YouTube videos, listening to podcasts, and having conversations with friends about relationship issues. The more energy and time you devote to understanding relationships and, more importantly, you in relationships, the more successful you will be in making the changes necessary to have a healthier marriage.

When men get clarity around some of these important questions, men who are workaholics will have made great progress in understanding what’s motivating their workaholic behavior. At that point, it’ll be time to take action to change so that you can be the man, husband, and father you want to be.

Here Are A Few Tips for Spending Time with Your Wife:

1. Read my book Hold On to Your N.U.T.s—The Relationship Manual for Men. The book is a great place to start, not only to understand where some of your behaviors are coming from, but throughout the book are tips on very specific things that you can do to become a better listener, to not argue, to express yourself, and to run the sex and romance departments. Improving all of these skills will make it easier for you to get through your relationship struggles, to enjoy your time with your wife, and to be the man she wants to spend time with. 
2. Reveal yourself. One of the biggest complaints women have about their husbands is that they don’t share their feelings. Not truly knowing about the inner workings of their men will push women away, especially if they try repeatedly by asking and get repeatedly denied. If you work with a life coach or therapist, you’ll learn to open up a bit more. And the more you practice with your wife, the closer you’ll become and the more enjoyable it’ll be to spend time with her.
3. Be creative. Although it may have been quite a few years, think back to the time when you were dating and doing everything possible to win her over. You have to keep doing those things. It’s a common trap for men to get complacent over time. She still wants to feel special, like your queen, like someone you’re still really into. So do a little research and find events she’d love, places to take her for the weekend, and little acts of kindness that she would really appreciate. Everything you do is foreplay. Remember that. As mentioned above, it’s your job to run the sex and romance departments, and that includes being conscious and creative, and caring about your woman

Hopefully, these tips to spend quality time with your wife as a workaholic man will help steer you in a positive direction. There’s obviously much more to learn and practice to be the best husband you can be. Most men can benefit from the support of an experienced guide who can coach them through this rewarding journey to become a better man and husband. It’s a journey well worth taking.

If you’re ready, you can book a 1-on-1 free consultation for 15 minutes, so we can discuss ways you can be the best man possible for yourself and, ultimately, the self-aware, compassionate, and attentive man your wife is waiting for.

The post Tips to Spend Quality Time with Your Wife as A Workaholic Man appeared first on BetterMen Coaching.

What is Emotional Intimacy?

Although there are many ways to define emotional intimacy in relationships, I’ll focus on defining it in terms of what men need, how they operate, and what they’re up against in dealing with their very common fear of emotional intimacy.

What Does Emotional Intimacy Mean?

It means being vulnerable, being seen, and allowing one’s self to accept emotional support from an intimate relationship. Despite how challenging it may be for men to allow themselves to be that vulnerable, it is, without question, what many men are seeking. In fact, without that intimate connection with a significant other, many men live lives of deep sadness and loneliness. They live without emotional intimacy in relationships because it terrifies them.

Why Do Men Have a Fear of Emotional Intimacy?

We fear being vulnerable and making ourselves open to emotional intimacy because we’ve been hurt in the past. Pretty simple. That pain may have first been inflicted by an abusive parent, an emotionally withholding parent, the loss of a parent, or an early romantic break-up. If the child or young adult doesn’t receive the support he needs to heal, he will develop coping mechanisms, essentially building walls and avoiding emotional intimacy so he doesn’t feel that tremendous pain again.

Effects of Lack of Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship

As the boy grows and finds himself in relationships, his resistance to emotional intimacy will set him on a course of unsatisfying relationships, often times feeling frustrated and causing his partners to leave due to their own frustration. 

One experience after another, without reaching out for help to understand why his relationships are flaming out, can leave a man confused, angry, lonely, and depressed. And in this state, he can act out in any number of unhealthy ways, which further distances him from ever having the emotional intimacy in relationships he craves.

How to Create Emotional Intimacy

Let’s look at some specific pieces of wisdom that will help you whether you’re wanting to heal from a life absent of emotional intimacy, you’re wanting to improve emotional intimacy in your relationship, or your goal is to rebuild emotional intimacy in marriage after years of relationship struggles.

1. If you haven’t already, invest your time and dollars in working with a one-on-one life coach for men so you can have a fundamental understanding of how you became the man you are today. That might include how your childhood experiences impacted your emotional world, how your relationship history might have affected your perspective on women, and how the coping mechanisms you developed to survive in life are now working against you.
2. Read a good book. Let me suggest my best-selling Hold On to Your N.U.T.s—The Relationship Manual for Men. It’s an excellent primer on the basics of being the best man you can be in your life and in your primary relationship. I’ll highlight a few of the most important tools below because they will absolutely help you to improve your intimacy skills. But in addition to my book, there is a wealth of knowledge available in other books, podcasts, YouTube videos, courses, and seminars. Dive in!
3. Learn to be a better listener. Without going into the details, just know that the traumatic experiences you’ve had in life contribute to the difficulty you have now in actually listening to and hearing what your partner is trying to tell you. She’s trying to tell how she feels. But you may only be able to hear criticism, judgment, and shaming. It’s probably because you’ve been through this before, like perhaps with mom or dad?
4. Share your emotional ups and downs with your partner. She really wants to know how you feel about things she cares about, and the things you care about. She feels safer when she can trust you, and she can trust you when you’re being real, open, and vulnerable. It’s not about leaning on your partner all of the time and crying about your daily complaints. It’s about allowing her to know about you, your past, what you believe in, and what moves you. A real man can open his heart to a woman.
5. Run the sex and romance departments. Remember that everything is foreplay. From the moment you get up in the morning and give her a kiss, to the time to come home with the grocery list completed, to the moment you light the candle, hit play, and show her how much you love her and her body. It’s your job to run the sex and romance departments. That’s what she’s waiting for.

This is a quick overview of my Top Dating Advice for Men: Building Emotional Intimacy with Your Partner. Every man is different, and most men can benefit from the support of an experienced guide who can shepherd them through this process of becoming a better man. It’s a journey well worth the effort.

If you’re ready, you can book a 1-on-1 free consultation for 15 minutes so we can discuss ways you can be successful in dating and in developing new skills for building emotional intimacy. 

The post Top Dating Advice for Men: Building Emotional Intimacy with Your Partner appeared first on BetterMen Coaching.

I wrote a book, a sort of primer, for men who want to be successful in a long-term, committed relationship. It’s called Hold On to Your N.U.T.s—The Relationship Manual for Men. It’s full of tips on how to be a better listener, how to stop arguing, how to express yourself without being defensive, and how to run the sex and romance departments. It’s certainly a good place to start for all men wanting to learn how to build a healthy romantic relationship.

Why are things different in the beginning

When you first meet your future partner, it’s all rainbows and unicorns. That honeymoon period feels amazing! You’re in love, sex is fantastic, conversations are easy, and the future looks bright. If there are any “issues,” you tend to dismiss them because you tell yourself, “that’s really not a big deal.”

In time, the honeymoon period begins to fade, and you start to settle in and can see where your relationship is and where it may be heading. For some of you, that may still feel fantastic. For others, you’ll begin to experience some of those initial “issues” as bigger deals than you might have in the past. That’s when conversations either become more combative or less frequent. Either way, this is when the relationship starts to show its cracks, intimacy diminishes, and your ability to connect with your partner suffers.

This is a good time to focus on increasing that intimacy and possibly improving your communication skills with each other. Reading books, playing with couples exercises, and seeking outside counseling are all good ideas.

Why is it important to build healthy relationships

If you want to build a healthy relationship that will stand the test of time, you’ll want to learn more about yourself and the ways in which you unconsciously sabotage your attempts to get closer, to have love in your life, and to authentically connect with your partner to build a healthy relationship.

Ways to build healthy relationships with your partner

So here are four ways to connect with your partner to build a healthy relationship, by first building a healthy relationship with yourself:

1. Take a full and courageous accounting of your relationship experiences to better understand what role you played in those successes and failures. Journaling all of your thoughts and then going back to review what you’ve written is a great way to be honest with yourself so you can identify areas that would benefit from further exploration. Not being aware of what’s motivating some of your behaviors is a sure way to undermine trust and intimacy in your relationship.
2. Work with a one-on-one life coach or therapist who can guide you through the journey of understanding the ways in which your childhood traumas and life experiences are currently affecting the way you’re in relationship with yourself and the world. I have never met a soul who wasn’t better off for having an outside perspective. The wisdom derived from talking through life’s issues with a wise person you trust is essential to making changes that will bring her closer to you, rather than continuing to push her away.
3. Develop a spiritual practice, or strengthen the one you have. Some men have turned away from spirituality because of the terrible experiences they had as kids due to their parents’ religious affiliation. Spirituality has little to nothing to do with those old experiences. It’s really about developing some sense or some relationship with something that is outside of yourself. Essentially, it’s about answering the question: what do you believe in, and how do you maintain a connection with that belief, that faith?As an adult, you have the ability to investigate various practices and experiment with incorporating those practices into your daily life, such as meditation. When you have a practice, you’ll find that you’ll develop a greater sense of being grounded, centered. Energetically, you will shift, and that change will actually draw your partner closer to you.
4. Seek out all of the experiences you can with all sorts of people in all sorts of places so you can learn what you really want and what you absolutely would never do again. What am I talking about? Well, here are just a few possibilities to chew on:

• Work with an energetic practitioner
• Experience plant medicine, like ayahuasca, in a safe environment with a skilled facilitator
• Travel as much as you can
• Sign up for workshops and trainings to learn things you know nothing about
• Take dancing or cooking, or woodworking classes

The list is endless. When you have had these experiences, you’re in a much better position to be able to effectively communicate your desires with a partner, and you’re less likely to blame her for your own feelings of dissatisfaction. When we are frustrated (perhaps because we want to live a life we’re currently not living) it’s very easy to blame the person next to us. It would be much better to become a man whom a woman can fully understand, appreciate, and support.

This is a brief introduction to just four ways to connect with your partner to build a healthy relationship. There’s obviously much more to learn and practice, to be the best partner you can be. Most men can benefit from the support of an experienced guide who can coach them through this amazing journey of growth and self-realization. It’s a journey well worth taking.

If you’re ready, you can book a 1-on-1 free consultation for 15 minutes, so we can discuss ways you can be the best man possible for yourself and, ultimately, the self-aware, compassionate, and confident man your partner is waiting for.

The post 4 Ways to Connect with Your Partner to Build A Healthy Relationship appeared first on BetterMen Coaching.

You can read more about the importance of becoming a better listener by purchasing a copy of my book Hold On to Your N.U.T.s—The Relationship Manual for Men at BetterMenCoaching.com. 

There are many specific strategies one can use to be a better listener, like not talking over someone, asking questions, making sure your facial expressions look like you’re interested, and using active listening techniques. All of these things can be very helpful. But for a man to truly become a better listener in a relationship, he might want to make some more fundamental changes.

Before I get to the five ways to become a better listener with a positive mindset, let me first discuss a couple of the main issues that often keep men from being a better listener in a relationship.

If you pay attention, you’ll notice that there is something that happens to you in that brief moment between when your partner starts to talk and when you stop listening. It happens so quickly that most men are completely unconscious to this process that often leads to arguing, striking back, shutting down emotionally, or worse, thoughts of divorce!

You may be reacting to some earlier trauma or some experiences that once had you emotionally in knots. For instance, the voice, words, or tone that you’re hearing from your partner could be reminding you of your reprimanding mother or abusive ex. In that moment, you may instantly feel like a frightened little boy who once felt powerless. What usually happens is that a man, who is now reacting like that scared little boy, will do whatever he can to protect himself. Whatever that reaction may entail, you can be sure that he’s no longer able to listen to his beloved.

So you can now understand why some fundamental changes, healing actually, need to occur so that a man can keep a positive mindset even when his partner’s delivery may be triggering.

Some men complain that their women talk about things that are just not interesting to them, and that’s why it’s so difficult for them to keep a positive mindset and to be a better listener. What I tell my clients is that you don’t have to care about what she’s saying…but you do need to care about her. And if you care about her, you stop making it about yourself, and it becomes easier to hear what she has to tell you.

So here are five ways to become a better listener with a positive mindset:

1. Repeat after me, “It’s not about me, it’s not about me.” 

If she’s in a particularly foul mood—good reason or not—it may be very difficult for you to patiently “take it” without giving in to the urge to retaliate with your own hurtful words. Don’t. Here’s a better suggestion. Just keep saying to yourself, “It’s not about me, it’s not about me.” You may not actually be listening to what she’s saying at that moment, but at least you’re not talking, and you’re keeping yourself from falling into old patterns. As a result, you’ll have managed not to contribute to what might have become an argument. Do this successfully for a while, and you’ll find yourself much more patient and capable of being that listener she needs.

2. Don’t try to fix 

Your wife/partner needs to be able to talk to you, for as long as she needs (within reason), without your commenting or trying to help fix her. It may feel counter-intuitive, but the best fix is to not fix at all, just listen. If you can listen long enough and wait it out, you’ll see that just having you there to listen to her was all the fix she needed. If she asks you for help or for an opinion, it might be wise to tread lightly. If you can just remember that she’s more qualified to help herself than you are to help her, you’ll be in good shape.

3. Don’t multitask

It’s simply not possible to be a good listener and watch the game on TV, purchase something online, or fix a squeaking door. When you’re ready to listen to her, stop everything else you’re doing so she has your full attention. And if you’re in the middle of a task, let her know you want to hear her, but she’ll have to wait until you’ve completed whatever it is you’re doing. As long as you communicate with care, you’re in good shape. But remember, if you promised to listen to her later, DO IT!

5. Switch gears before you come home from work

When we’re talking about having a positive mindset, that’s often not the case after a hard day’s work. That’s why it’s essential for you to take a few moments to transition from work to home. If you’re driving home, stop near a park, breathe, and remember that your loving partner and family are waiting for their guy to walk through the door. IF you work at home, take the time to transition before you step into your living room. If you don’t intentionally make this transition, you’re likely to walk in with the concerns of the day and not be present for your loved ones. And by the way, they’ll all know as soon as you enter the house. You can’t fake it!

6. Seek professional help 

Look out for professional help of a one-on-one life coach or therapist who can help you identify where the childhood wounds are and can work with you to help heal those wounds and ultimately lead you to having and keeping a positive mindset, which will allow you to stay present and non-reactive, and to be a better listener.Relationship Coach for Men

This is a quick overview of five ways to become a better listener with a positive mindset. Every man is different, and most men can benefit from the support of an experienced guide who can help them to heal and to learn new techniques to be successful in his relationship. It’s a journey well worth the effort.

If you’re ready, you can book a 1-on-1 free consultation for 15 minutes so we can discuss ways you can be successful in all of your relationships, especially the one with yourself.

The post 5 Ways to Become A Better Listener with A Positive Mindset appeared first on BetterMen Coaching.