One of the things that worries us as men, going into this process of divorce, or even thinking about it, is what’s going to happen with all of our relationships—our relationships with our children, in-laws, family, friends?

I know that when I was considering making this move, I worried about all of that. Plus being a coach, I worried about what is this going to do to my business? I have all of these men coming to see me each week, I have these groups. Are they going to mutiny because if, “Hey, if Wayne can’t hold on to his relationship, what are coming to talk to him about?”

Although there is a lot to say about that time, in the end, nobody mutinied, which was interesting and wonderful because there was so much to discover going through that entire journey. One of the up sides is that I now have a relationship with my adult son that’s much deeper than I had ever expected. There was so much for him to learn about himself, about him being my son, and him having grown up in our family, that was coming to light because of the work I was doing in this process, and through the divorce, in general.

I want you to know that, although you can’t control what’s going to happen, what’s supposed to happen, will. And the lessons that need to be learned, not just by you but by everybody involved, will be learned. That’s why it’s essential to have faith that good things will happen as a result of being honest with yourself and going through this process (if that’s your decision,) no matter how painful it may be in the short term.

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So what qualifies me to help you through your divorce? And I think that my greatest qualification is having gone through it myself. Married 35 years, and not happy for a lot of those years, afraid to tell myself the truth, afraid to make a move, couldn’t imagine it. But having finally done it, after receiving a whole lot of help and seeking support from all kinds of places, I learned what it takes to make a choice like this and to follow through.

And I really think that that’s the best thing I can offer you, is my story. Because my story is your story. I guarantee you. I have compared notes with so many men around divorce and it’s really all the same story. Some of the details are different; but what we go through, how it feels, it’s pretty much the same.

Look, I have a master’s in clinical psychology and I’ve been coaching men for over 25 years, so I have all that to fall back on. But when it comes to what you’re going through right now, I think the best thing that I have to offer is understanding. I mean, really understanding on a cellular level what you’re going through. Together, we can help you get through it, too.

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You may have heard of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It’s a fantastic book. At the beginning of the book he talks about the domestication of humans He discusses how we are really the sum total of having moved away from criticism, consequences and pain, and towards validation, pleasure and approval.

From the time that we’re infants, we’re moving towards what feels better, and away from discomfort and pain. Ultimately, he says, by the time we get to be adults, 99% of who we think we are is not really who we are. We’ve simply become the result of having adapted to all of those experiences and messages.

And so the question is, who are you? What do you really like? What do you really want? I mean, you might be doing a great job of making money or acquiring friends. But are these your choices? Are you really doing what you want to do?

Now that you’re confronting divorce, a lot of things are going to change. And it’s a great opportunity to ask yourself, who am I and what do I want to do? And if I wasn’t moving away from disapproval and towards approval, away from pain and toward pleasure, and if just honored who I was born to be, what would I be doing, how would I be doing it, where would I be living?

These are some of the questions I asked myself. Divorce allowed me the freedom to start considering what that was really going to look like. And now everything in my life has changed: who I’m with, what I’m doing, what makes me happy, where I’m living. It’s all changed now. So don’t be afraid. Change is coming. Make it the change you truly want.

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There are a couple of books by Michael Singer I like to recommend to the men. One is The Untethered Soul and other is The Surrender Experiment. In his work he talks about the Buddhist concept of asking this question, who am I?

When you first ask it, you might say, well, my name is Wayne and I live here and I do this kind of work. But that’s not very deep, is it? Who am I? Well, I’m a father. Yes, but who am I? Who am I? Who am I? It’s a question that you can ask yourself over and over and over again.

And it’s one you ought to ask yourself to find out, deep down, fundamentally at your core, who are you, what are you? Are you this machine that makes money to pay for these things you have in the matrix? Or are you love? Are you compassion? Who are you? What are you?

It’s an important question to ask. And being in divorce, you are going to be asking yourself all sorts of questions. I think it would be helpful to bring in some of these spiritually-oriented questions so that you can get grounded and grow and learn and heal.

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I’ve been coaching men for over 25 years through all sorts of challenges in their lives, including divorce. And now that I’ve experienced my own divorce, I really know firsthand what that experience is like, how painful it can be, how confusing, how much anger, sadness, a man can experience.

I’m here to help men get through that process, whether you’re fighting to stay in your marriage, fighting to get out of your marriage, or just needing the support to navigate this difficult process.

We need all the help we can get. And having left a 35-year marriage, father of two, and dealing with all the concerns that a man has in that situation, I’m pretty comfortable sharing that story and helping you to write your new story.

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Men want to know what this coaching process is going to be like. We’re going to talk to each other. I’m going to learn about you. I’m going to find out where you’re stuck. I’m going to help you get unstuck and move forward. And that’s it.

It’s not brain surgery. But it’s getting some good advice. It’s trying some new things, making some new commitments, being held accountable, being heard by someone who really understands what you’re going through, and someone who can guide you around the next obstacle so you don’t get stuck and stay stuck.

Whether you’re fighting to stay in your marriage, fighting to get out of your marriage, or need help navigating what is oftentimes a very challenging process, coaching can be just the support you’ve been looking for.

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In my book Hold On to Your N.U.T.s—The Relationship Manual for Men there are a number of tools, and one of them is developing trusting relationships with men.

A lot of men really don’t have very deep, trusting, intimate relationships with other men. They are very surface. Even guys who grew up with childhood buddies and still have them in their lives find that they really can’t talk about the really hard stuff. And when you’re talking about really hard stuff, divorce falls into that category.

You may have already seen, either in your own experience or with others in your life, that when divorce is on the table, a lot of friends will disappear. Men shy away because it’s uncomfortable, they don’t know how to support you, or perhaps their wives take sides and the men, your buddies, go along to get along. Suddenly, friendships disappear.

Developing trusting relationships with men is important for all of us, no matter where you are in your life. If I were your coach, you would be developing a trusting relationship with me. Ultimately you’d be able to translate that skill to other men in your life—brothers, your dad, friends, and your sons, if they’re old enough.

A valuable upside to doing this kind of work, this man-to-man kind of work, is that you’ll start to have the kind of relationships with other men that will serve you for the rest of your life.

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Whatever the state of your relationship, you’ll want to take care of yourself. The more you do to take care of yourself, the more you do to get grounded, the more you do to get healthy, the more you do to be happy, the better off you’re going to be now and in the future.

I recommend meditation to most of my clients. Lots of ways to meditate. Clears your mind, calms you down, gets you centered. There are several apps that can help if you’re new to meditation.

Journaling can be extremely helpful in bringing clarity to a particular situation. Exercise, a clean diet, and engaging in your hobbies, will also help keep you physically healthy and emotionally centered.

Don’t stop doing the things that make you feel good. We will often want to go into our cave when we’re not feeling good, when we’re angry, when we’re sad. I understand all that. But you’ve got to keep moving forward. You have to take care of yourself. It’s going to make getting through this challenging time much, much easier.

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In my book Hold On to Your N.U.T.s—The Relationship Manual for Men there are eight BetterMen Tools. And the first one, and usually the most painful one for men to read about, is silencing the little boy.

Silencing the little boy is one of the most difficult things we as men have to do. As kids, we have experiences, some very traumatic, that remain unattended to as we get older. We become teenagers, then we’re in our 20s and, eventually, we choose a partner. Our lives change, but what remains the same is that wounded little boy in us who wants what he wants when he wants it, or he wants her to read his mind, or he’s stomping his feet through life because he’s not happy about what he’s getting.

In this process of divorce, it’s really easy to stomp your feet. It’s really easy to get so aggravated, I mean really aggravated, enraged even, because of what you have to deal with. In order to not create more problems for yourself, it’s essential to silence the little boy.

One of the things that we would be talking about, if we worked together, is just what silencing that little boy means for you. You’ll want to pay more attention to being the grown-up, the man you want to be, so that you can navigate your way through this process in a way that you’ll be proud of.

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I’m a divorce coach. I’m not an attorney. But I have got to tell you, I know shitty legal advice when I hear it, and I’ve heard a lot of it over the years.

We tend to abdicate responsibility for our decisions to people we hire in times of crisis—like doctors and attorneys. But you can’t just say, “here, you make the important decisions in my life that I’ll have to live with forever.”

Sometimes attorneys are wanting to do what’s expedient, but not necessarily what’s in your best interest, or in the best interest of your kids. So, it’s incumbent upon you to be awake, to be alert, to fully participate in this legal process.

Ask questions, ask for input from people you trust other than your attorney. Make sure that what is being suggested really feels right to you.

Because you’ve got to trust your instincts. It’s your life. When this process is over your attorney will be gone, but you’ll have to live with the results.

So, pay close attention to how this is playing out. It is your life.

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Nobody wants to get divorced. Nobody wants to go through a divorce. Nobody wants to feel the pain. I mean, it sucks. And yet, it’s an opportunity, an opportunity to learn about yourself.

You’re in a divorce because you’re you, because you made the choice to be with the woman you are with, because this is your path.

There’s something in it for you if you can stop being resistant to looking within, acknowledging your contribution, and embracing the multitude of lessons to be learned and insight to discover.

Stop resisting this process. Embrace it. Get what you can get out of it and it will make you a better, happier, and stronger man.

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Having been a mens life coach for over 25 years, and being so smart about relationships and so educated, when it came time for me to get divorced, I thought, well this one is going to be different.

I know what’s going on. I’m conscious. We’ve known each other a long time. It’s not working but we’re friends. I’m sure we’ll be able to work things out amicably. I’ll just be a nice guy, be fair, and we should be able to consciously uncouple. It’s not going to be a problem.

Well, all my friends told me how ridiculous that thinking was. They all told me, “no dude, it’s not what happens when you get divorced. Things happen, feelings come up, partners go sideways, you can’t control it.” I said, “no, no, no, no, it’s okay, I got this, I got this.”

Well, the truth was, I didn’t ‘got’ this. In fact, it was everything I hoped it wouldn’t be. And what I learned was that we’re not special and different. Divorce is difficult, and what men need is an adviser whom they can really trust. And they need to heed the advice.

When the bullets start flying, it’s difficult to think straight. And if you’re relying only on your own counsel, you could really go down some dark alleys, and make poor decisions.

That’s why it’s important to have someone whom you trust, with whom you can talk things through, so that as you go through this difficult process you can do it with integrity and be happy with the way you showed up.

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There are lots of spiritual concepts that you’ve heard about, and that I talked about in my coaching, that are extremely helpful to be aware of. Among them is letting go.

We have to let go. Change is happening. If you hold on it’s going to be painful. Letting go allows you to learn the lessons and allows you to see what life has to offer you. Holding on is all about fear. Much of what we do is fear-based. And when we’re in a divorce, fear comes up in full force.

Letting go is about choosing love, opening your heart, and giving yourself the opportunity to listen and make good, healthy choices.

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My spiritual practice is very important to me. I believe having a relationship with something other than you, bigger than you, outside of you, is important for all of us.

Throughout my divorce my mantra was “keep your heart open, keep your heart open, keep your heart open.” Why? Because divorce, more than anything else I’ve ever gone through, wanted me to shut down my heart.

When I got angry, my heart closed down. When we’re angry and depressed, our hearts cannot be open. To be the man you want to be, your heart must remain open.

One of the things that we focus on in this work (and I’ve done so for many years with the men) is this: what does it take to keep your heart open?; what does it feel like in your body when your heart is open?; what are what tools can we develop to open up our hearts when we feel it closing down?

To stay healthy throughout your divorce, you’ll need, perhaps more than any other tool, the ability to keep your heart open. Otherwise, what is a difficult process will become an even more painful one.

Start thinking about it now. What does it mean to keep your heart open? How do you feel in your body when you’re happy versus when you’re angry? What are the telltale signs that my heart is beginning to close? Might be a helpful homework assignment.

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A lot of you guys out there are nice guys. Maybe you’ve read Robert Glover’s book No More Mr. Nice Guy. It has not served you. It’s one of the reasons you’re in this challenging position.

You’re a nice guy. You want everyone to like you. And what’s happened in the process is that you started lying to yourself. You’re not telling the truth. You stopped telling the truth to yourself, you stopped telling the truth to everybody else because you wanted everyone to be okay, no conflict. You wanted everyone to be happy with you.

Well, how’d that work out for you? She’s not happy with you, that’s for sure…you’re looking at divorce. But more importantly, you’re not happy with you.

It’s not going to help you to be that same old nice guy in your divorce. Which means, you have to take care of yourself. You may look bad in the eyes of someone, or someones, during this process. That has to be okay! Be smart, get good counsel, and stop being such a nice guy.

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A number of years ago I wrote Hold On to Your N.U.T.s—The Relationship Manual for Men. N.U.T.s stands for non-negotiable, unalterable terms. Non-negotiable, unalterable terms.

Now, these are the things that define a man, the things that you’re committed to. And these are the things that, if compromised, will turn you into a very unhappy guy, in an unhappy relationship.

And I would venture to say that the reason you’re in the position you’re in right now is that you either 1) didn’t know your N.U.T.s or, 2) didn’t honor your N.U.T.s. and compromised things that are important to you.

In this process of coaching you will learn what your N.U.T.s might have been, and, more importantly, what they need to be moving forward so that you’re stronger, more confident, and more comfortable in your own skin.

With this knowledge, you’ll know what you’re committed to and you’ll know how to honor those commitments to be the man you want to be.

Although you’re going through, or potentially going through, what might be a very difficult process, just know that on the other side is a man who will be much more skilled at navigating life, and able to have better relationships with his kids, the rest of his family, and with that next relationship.

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Forgiveness is really important. For instance, this is my second take on my forgiveness message because my cameraman Steven bumped the camera. Now, I could be angry about it and be stuck in it or I can just let it go and forgive him for having bumped the camera.

This skill of letting go and forgiving is key to you getting through this divorce with your sanity.

If you hold on to all the things that she did, to all the things that you did, to the things you didn’t do, and to all of the anger and the resentment you might have towards your parents for not teaching you the skills you needed to be in a healthy relationship, it’s just going to be painful, painful, painful, for you.

There is such power, joy, and peace in breathing, letting go, and forgiving.

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My father died when I was nine, and I went through life never hearing- at least not remembering hearing- that everything’s gonna be okay. It was a thing my dad would have told me, I’m sure, over and over again had he been around.

What I found in my work with men is that many of us just never heard everything’s gonna be okay. And so one of the greatest gifts I can give to you right now, free of charge, is to let you know that everything is gonna be okay.

Trust your instincts. Ask for help. Don’t be afraid to do what you need to do. Don’t quit. And everything will be okay.

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