When I first got into men’s work, decades ago, I learned a really valuable tool.
90% relationship, 10% task.
That meant whenever I held an event or men’s retreat, we were to use 90% of our effort to take care of each other, to hear each other, and to bond.
Once we were tight, once there was real connection in the room, we’d turn to the work. And it went fast, because when men trust each other, getting things done is the easy part.
After 30 years of coaching men, I can tell you the same thing goes for your marriage.
When the Ratio Flips
Think about the last time things felt easy with your wife.
Chances are you’d been spending time together, talking and laughing and being present with each other.
Now think about the stretches when everything felt like a grind. You were both running on empty, ships passing, getting things done without really connecting.
And the more you focused on managing the household, the more distant you both felt.
That’s what happens when the ratio flips.
I worked with a man who did everything his wife asked. He planned Mother’s Day, ran the errands, and volunteered for all the kid pick-ups that week. Yet no matter what he did, she stayed unhappy, and he stayed anxious. He couldn’t figure out why his marriage felt so off.
One of the things we all want, men and women, is to be connected. We want to be close. Even in relationships where couples are going at each other, what they really want is to come together.
What they’re fighting about is that lack of intimacy.
What the 90% Looks Like
Spend 90% of your energy caring.
Talking, sharing, understanding. Taking care of one another and taking care of yourself.
Sharing means offering her something real. A memory, a belief, a fear that matters to you. Let her see you. That’s where intimacy begins.
Understanding starts with listening. I tell men this often: “You don’t have to care about what she’s saying. You have to care about her.” When you hold onto that, you can stay steady, even when her tone stirs something old in you.
Taking care of one another includes romance. At the start, passion was easy because you romanced her. If you want a vital sex life years later, you have to keep romancing. Leading here is your job.
Why the Tasks Get Easier
Once you’re tight, take 10% of your energy to do the things you need to do.
It’s easy to handle things that need to happen at the house and with each other when you are tight and loving and caring for one another.
Research from the Gottman Institute shows that marriages built on mutual respect and emotional cooperation thrive. When a man stays calm, listens with respect, and leads from integrity, he strengthens his home.
Final Thought
90% relationship, 10% task.
Try it and see how much easier your days feel together.
If you and your wife have been running on empty for a while, book a free 15-minute consultation with me. We’ll look at what’s happening in your marriage and what it’ll take to change it.
- The 90/10 Rule For Your Marriage - September 18, 2026
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