I’ve been coaching men, leading men’s groups, and facilitating men’s retreats for 30 years. Needless to say, I’ve heard the stories of hundreds of men. And I can say, without an ounce of my own doubt, that I have never met a man who has not experienced insecurities and self-doubt. Never have I met a man who wouldn’t have paid almost any amount of money to learn how to overcome fear and self-doubt.
Which is to say, self-doubt anxiety disorder, or whatever label you want to put on it, is as much a part of most men’s make-up as two testicles and a penis. Do I have your attention? Sweet, let’s get to work.
Anxiety and self-doubt
Men come to me because they want to be a better man, father, husband, son, brother, or professional. Questioning oneself will undermine whatever your definition of success is in every one of these pursuits.
I’ve been working on my insecurities and self-doubt for 30 years. Essentially, all of the work I’ve done to be a better man has involved overcoming fear and self-doubt.
I came to men’s work at age 33. By that time, I had experienced the death of my dad when I was nine, suddenly uprooted and moved across the country to a new and unfamiliar territory, being raised by an overwhelmed mother who barely had time to make ends meet let alone time for me, many many instances of antisemitism after moving to a city in a red state where I was only one of two Jews in my school district, and decades of feeling like I belonged nowhere.
Any mental health professional (and of course, back in the 70s I received no mental health care) would have seen that I needed help to overcome self-doubt, to stop questioning myself, and to find ways to manage what were certainly anxiety flare-ups. Instead, I grew up to join the ranks of the “high-functioning anxiety in men” club.
So what have I learned? Perhaps the most important experience I had as I immersed myself in men’s work was that I was not alone. This psychological concept of universality essentially refers to the comfort that comes with knowing that others are in the same boat. When you can bond at that core level, some deep and meaningful healing can take place.
Through the many events, group meetings and individual relationships forged in that world, I began to feel like I belonged. I began to appreciate who I was and what I had accomplished. I learned how to be compassionate with myself and empathetic toward others. I began to feel less like a boy and more like a man. That’s a fairly common desire of the men seeking me out for one-on-one men’s life coaching—I want to feel more like a man!
How to overcome self-doubt
The process of feeling like that man, the process of being a better man, father, or husband, and the journey of overcoming fear and self-doubt varies from man to man. The first step is to gain some understanding of where it all began for you. That involves seeing what stories you’ve been carrying for many decades and beginning to rewrite those (oftentimes) inaccurate stories of your childhood and years since.
By examining what is currently happening in your life and relationships, and connecting the dots with your earlier experiences, you begin to see how who you are now is not necessarily who you truly are, but rather the sum total of the coping mechanisms you developed to survive your youth, and how those old coping skills have impacted how you now behave as an adult.
At that point, it becomes abundantly clear why change is necessary and how your newfound clarity aligns with the problems you’ve been facing in your life, and most definitely the complaints you’ve been hearing from your partner, among others in your orbit.
With clarity of the past, and a new awakened perspective of your present, you can now engage in the process of learning new behaviors, expanding your sense of self, and building a vision of the life you would like to lead, being a better man, father, and partner.
This is a quick overview of the process associated with overcoming self-doubt and anxiety disorder as a man. Every man is different, and most men can benefit from the support of an experienced guide who can shepherd them through the process. It’s a journey well worth the effort.
If you’re ready, you can book a 1-on-1 free consultation with me for 15 minutes so we can discuss ways you can move beyond self-doubt and anxiety to be a better man for yourself and those you care about.
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