I wish I could tell you that there is a fool-proof and permanent method for stopping obsessive-compulsive thought patterns. It would be wonderful to discover the cure for forgiving yourself for past mistakes. Unfortunately, there is no panacea for avoiding shame spirals. However, there are practices that, if committed to on a daily basis, can help to lessen the severity and, eventually, significantly reduce the frequency of the shame spiral.
Before we discuss some of these powerful tools to help reverse negative thought patterns so you can reclaim your happiness, let’s talk about these shame spirals and how they tend to completely overtake your thoughts, making it difficult to focus on daily activities and challenging to fall back to sleep at 2 am.
What is A Shame Spiral
A shame spiral occurs when one has more and more feelings of shame about what they’ve done or who they are. The intensity grows to such a degree that the person suffering finds themselves in a constant loop of self-judgment, self-loathing, and inadequacy.
This negative self-talk feeds upon itself and can lead to serious bouts of anxiety, depression, as well as other serious, unhealthy behaviors. If you’ve found yourself helpless to a shame spiral, you know exactly how awful it can feel.
The shame spiral is often brought on by some triggering event, like a conversation, an email, or watching a video that brings back memories. But for those who have suffered for years, a simple wandering of the mind, at any moment, can send them into a shame spiral.
Essentially, as a person re-experiences this original shame through these episodes, the more powerful become the memories of the initial experience, and the more powerless one feels while spiraling in this vortex of negative thought patterns.
How to Get Out of a Shame Spiral
To stop a shame spiral in its tracks, you first have to be aware of the choices you’re making that allow the shame spiral to take hold. That’s right! You’re actually choosing to give your power away to this negative experience. Now, it doesn’t feel like a choice, and this is certainly not a judgment of you. But when you recognize that you can make a different, positive choice, you begin to realize the power you have to change course and reclaim your happiness.
Let’s examine some of the things you can do when struck by a shame spiral that can help you minimize this suffering in the future.
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Breathe.
Breathing is the foundation of most meditative practices because it is the first step to calming one’s mind and to be present for the meditation. Likewise, when the shame spiral starts, breathing slowly and intentionally can help you to calm your mind and to be present to the new choice of thinking more positive thoughts, like as gratitude for all that you have and all that you have achieved.
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Remind yourself that you have a choice to make.
The unconscious choice of allowing yourself to fall victim to the shame spiral has been reinforced over and over again for years. To develop a new pattern, you’ll want to practice and reinforce a new choice. Rather than allowing an old behavior to rule you, you’ll choose to redirect your focus to doing something productive, listening to calming music, exercising, etc., until you train your body to automatically choose to care for yourself and to refuse the negative thought patterns to govern your mood.
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Remember that no one on the planet is obsessing about this as much as you are.
When we dive into a shame spiral, it becomes the center of all things and completely distorts our perspective. We may be looping about an incident, a conversation, or even a brief interaction that happened weeks, months, or even years ago. We relive it over and over and experience it as if it just happened yesterday. But it didn’t. And whoever else was involved is probably not giving it a second thought. It’s important to remember that. You’re the only one obsessing.
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Focus on the importance of forgiving yourself.
Whether you did or said something inappropriate, wrong, or offensive, or are simply imagining you’re to blame for something, you don’t deserve to continue to punish yourself. That’s what shame spirals are all about…punishment. The truth is, you would probably forgive anyone else for doing what you think you’ve done. So why not extend the same grace to yourself as you would to others?
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Know that you are human and all humans have made and will make more mistakes.
Making mistakes is human. As they say, it’s not a bug, it’s a feature. Volumes have been written by very successful people grateful for their mistakes. It was through their mistakes, not their success, that taught them their most valuable lessons in life and business. We’ve all made them and will continue to make them. But if you learn from them and forgive yourself, you’re being the best human you can be.
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Journaling can support you to love yourself, to forgive yourself, and to be proud of the efforts you’re making, and let go of these past events.
Self-love is so important for our psychological and physical health. In fact, not loving yourself makes it challenging to truly love others. Journaling can help you to focus on self-love and your commitment to forgiveness and happiness. In fact, journaling is a wonderful tool to support you in all of your efforts to break negative thought patterns and to eliminate the shame spiral once and for all.
Figuring out how to stop negative thought patterns and shame spiraling is important for our mental health. It’s worth your effort to find what works best for you so you can learn to forgive yourself for past mistakes and reclaim your happiness.
Every man’s journey is different, as are his particular needs. Most men can benefit from the support of an experienced guide who can shepherd them through the process. It’s a journey well worth the effort.
If you’re ready, you can book a 1-on-1 free consultation for 15 minutes so we can discuss ways you can be successful with your own efforts to let go and move on!
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