If you do a quick Google search about embarking on a journey of self-realization, empathy, and acceptance, you’ll find some very helpful blogs detailing some of the best ways to go about the process, the obstacles and challenges you’ll likely confront, and the practices you’ll want to integrate into your life as you progress. I recommend taking the time to read through some of these resources.
In this brief discussion, however, I want to focus on men engaging in this work, and some of the unique experiences that I’ve had, as have the men in my BetterMen Coaching programs, in our work toward practicing self-compassion, self-love, and acceptance.
The primary focus of the work I do with men is to identify the core sources of our suffering and then learn new behaviors and perspectives to improve ourselves as men, fathers, and husbands. So, how do we go about this first and most important and sometimes terrifying step in the self-realization process?
So, what is self-acceptance?
Ok, you now better understand where all of this crap came from. You’ve learned and practiced some new tools to be compassionate with yourself. So the next step is self-acceptance. Why is self-acceptance so important?
First, what is self-acceptance? Let’s start with what it’s not. Self-acceptance is not about resigning yourself to living your life as you have been. It is about appreciating how you managed to make it to this point in your life, and offering yourself some grace as you commit to making changes to improve your mindset, behaviors, and intentions.
It’s about forgiving yourself for the past and allowing yourself to move ahead without continuing to carry all of that shame. Wouldn’t that be nice? Damn straight it would! When you free yourself of the shame you’ve carried for the choices and actions from your past, it lifts a world of weight off your shoulders. Now that you’re not mired in self-shame, you have unlimited energy for others. You’re now giving yourself the opportunity to be truly empathic, completely allowing yourself to feel what others might be feeling as a result of their experiences.
Self-acceptance means having the courage and humility to see yourself, your relationships, and your history as clearly as possible. Then, it’s about self-love and acceptance, meaning, having patience and compassion for this man, yourself, just as you might for anyone else you care about.
Why self-acceptance is important
If your child, partner, or friend were working through some tough times, you would do and say whatever you could to be supportive and loving, right? But that’s not usually how we are with ourselves. Men, more often than not, are brutally critical of themselves and don’t give themselves any credit for their efforts toward and progress in becoming a better man.
In fact, as Michael Singer discusses in his book The Untethered Soul, “if anyone spoke to you the way you speak to yourself about your efforts toward self-love and acceptance, you’d tell them to F*** OFF! Who needs to hear that amount of criticism?”
It can be a real challenge to be kind to ourselves. Men who have experienced trauma as a kid at the hands of unhealthy parents, for example, have often internalized the negative messages they received over and over when they were young, powerless, and impressionable. One of the first tasks for men in this work is to acknowledge the impact that these experiences likely have had on them and how, over time, the ways they learned to successfully cope as a kid have ultimately created unhealthy behaviors as an adult.
For example, let’s say you had an emotionally abusive mother or a raging alcoholic dad (all too common, I’m sorry to say). In order to protect yourself, you figured out ways to be invisible so as to avoid harsh criticism, blame, or violence. Eventually, you grew to be a man who pleases to avoid conflict at all costs, and who never learned to honor his own needs and opinions. As a result, you’re now very unhappy, unsatisfied, unseen, unappreciated, lost, angry, sad, etc. You get the point.
Once you examine this past and can appreciate the impact these horrible experiences have had on you, you can now begin to move forward on your journey of self-realization, empathy, and acceptance.
How to be compassionate with yourself
There’s an old and wise notion related to empathy and practicing self-compassion. And that is, you can’t give away something you don’t have. In other words, if you’re incapable of loving and embracing yourself, it’s very challenging to truly love another. If you can’t muster self-compassion for your own trials and tribulations, you’re likely unable to feel compassion for others and to be empathetic.
Now, some of you may resonate with this completely. Others may challenge the absolute nature of the statement. You may indeed believe you have compassion for others despite your lack of ability to practice self-compassion. But if you take the time to self-reflect, you may find that the energy you spend with your own internal struggles actually diminishes your ability to be present for others, at least at the level you’d prefer.
And if you’re unable to be present in the moment, it’s impossible to be the fully compassionate man you may aspire to be.
This is a quick overview of what your journey of self-realization, empathy, and acceptance might entail. Every man is different, and most men can benefit from the support of an experienced guide who can shepherd them through the process. It’s a journey well worth the effort.
If you’re ready, you can book a 1-on-1 free consultation for 15 minutes, so we can discuss ways you can accept yourself, empathize, and be a better man for yourself.
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- A Journey to Self-Realization, Empathy, and Acceptance - May 12, 2025
