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There are so many helpful tips for building a healthy relationship. And the truth is, whichever tips you put into practice will certainly move the needle a bit in your quest toward building a healthy relationship with your partner. But the most important work you can do, to connect with your partner and find yourself in a relationship that is satisfying to both you and your partner, is building a healthy relationship with yourself.
I wrote a book, a sort of primer, for men who want to be successful in a long-term, committed relationship. It’s called Hold On to Your N.U.T.s—The Relationship Manual for Men. It’s full of tips on how to be a better listener, how to stop arguing, how to express yourself without being defensive, and how to run the sex and romance departments. It’s certainly a good place to start for all men wanting to learn how to build a healthy romantic relationship.
Why are things different in the beginning
When you first meet your future partner, it’s all rainbows and unicorns. That honeymoon period feels amazing! You’re in love, sex is fantastic, conversations are easy, and the future looks bright. If there are any “issues,” you tend to dismiss them because you tell yourself, “that’s really not a big deal.”
In time, the honeymoon period begins to fade, and you start to settle in and can see where your relationship is and where it may be heading. For some of you, that may still feel fantastic. For others, you’ll begin to experience some of those initial “issues” as bigger deals than you might have in the past. That’s when conversations either become more combative or less frequent. Either way, this is when the relationship starts to show its cracks, intimacy diminishes, and your ability to connect with your partner suffers.
This is a good time to focus on increasing that intimacy and possibly improving your communication skills with each other. Reading books, playing with couples exercises, and seeking outside counseling are all good ideas.
Why is it important to build healthy relationships
If you want to build a healthy relationship that will stand the test of time, you’ll want to learn more about yourself and the ways in which you unconsciously sabotage your attempts to get closer, to have love in your life, and to authentically connect with your partner to build a healthy relationship.
Ways to build healthy relationships with your partner
So here are four ways to connect with your partner to build a healthy relationship, by first building a healthy relationship with yourself:
- Take a full and courageous accounting of your relationship experiences to better understand what role you played in those successes and failures. Journaling all of your thoughts and then going back to review what you’ve written is a great way to be honest with yourself so you can identify areas that would benefit from further exploration. Not being aware of what’s motivating some of your behaviors is a sure way to undermine trust and intimacy in your relationship.
- Work with a one-on-one life coach or therapist who can guide you through the journey of understanding the ways in which your childhood traumas and life experiences are currently affecting the way you’re in relationship with yourself and the world. I have never met a soul who wasn’t better off for having an outside perspective. The wisdom derived from talking through life’s issues with a wise person you trust is essential to making changes that will bring her closer to you, rather than continuing to push her away.
- Develop a spiritual practice, or strengthen the one you have. Some men have turned away from spirituality because of the terrible experiences they had as kids due to their parents’ religious affiliation. Spirituality has little to nothing to do with those old experiences. It’s really about developing some sense or some relationship with something that is outside of yourself. Essentially, it’s about answering the question: what do you believe in, and how do you maintain a connection with that belief, that faith?
As an adult, you have the ability to investigate various practices and experiment with incorporating those practices into your daily life, such as meditation. When you have a practice, you’ll find that you’ll develop a greater sense of being grounded, centered. Energetically, you will shift, and that change will actually draw your partner closer to you.
- Seek out all of the experiences you can with all sorts of people in all sorts of places so you can learn what you really want and what you absolutely would never do again. What am I talking about? Well, here are just a few possibilities to chew on:
- Work with an energetic practitioner
- Experience plant medicine, like ayahuasca, in a safe environment with a skilled facilitator
- Travel as much as you can
- Sign up for workshops and trainings to learn things you know nothing about
- Take dancing or cooking, or woodworking classes
The list is endless. When you have had these experiences, you’re in a much better position to be able to effectively communicate your desires with a partner, and you’re less likely to blame her for your own feelings of dissatisfaction. When we are frustrated (perhaps because we want to live a life we’re currently not living) it’s very easy to blame the person next to us. It would be much better to become a man whom a woman can fully understand, appreciate, and support.
This is a brief introduction to just four ways to connect with your partner to build a healthy relationship. There’s obviously much more to learn and practice, to be the best partner you can be. Most men can benefit from the support of an experienced guide who can coach them through this amazing journey of growth and self-realization. It’s a journey well worth taking.
If you’re ready, you can book a 1-on-1 free consultation for 15 minutes, so we can discuss ways you can be the best man possible for yourself and, ultimately, the self-aware, compassionate, and confident man your partner is waiting for.
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