5 Ways to Become A Better Listener with A Positive Mindset
There are many blog posts offering tips on becoming a better listener or becoming a better listener in your relationship. Similarly, there are many resources offering suggestions on how to gain a positive mindset or how to keep a positive mindset. But what I’m going to share with you here is wisdom specifically for men—five ways to become a better listener with a positive mindset.
You can read more about the importance of becoming a better listener by purchasing a copy of my book Hold On to Your N.U.T.s—The Relationship Manual for Men at BetterMenCoaching.com.
There are many specific strategies one can use to be a better listener, like not talking over someone, asking questions, making sure your facial expressions look like you’re interested, and using active listening techniques. All of these things can be very helpful. But for a man to truly become a better listener in a relationship, he might want to make some more fundamental changes.
Before I get to the five ways to become a better listener with a positive mindset, let me first discuss a couple of the main issues that often keep men from being a better listener in a relationship.
If you pay attention, you’ll notice that there is something that happens to you in that brief moment between when your partner starts to talk and when you stop listening. It happens so quickly that most men are completely unconscious to this process that often leads to arguing, striking back, shutting down emotionally, or worse, thoughts of divorce!
You may be reacting to some earlier trauma or some experiences that once had you emotionally in knots. For instance, the voice, words, or tone that you’re hearing from your partner could be reminding you of your reprimanding mother or abusive ex. In that moment, you may instantly feel like a frightened little boy who once felt powerless. What usually happens is that a man, who is now reacting like that scared little boy, will do whatever he can to protect himself. Whatever that reaction may entail, you can be sure that he’s no longer able to listen to his beloved.
So you can now understand why some fundamental changes, healing actually, need to occur so that a man can keep a positive mindset even when his partner’s delivery may be triggering.
Some men complain that their women talk about things that are just not interesting to them, and that’s why it’s so difficult for them to keep a positive mindset and to be a better listener. What I tell my clients is that you don’t have to care about what she’s saying…but you do need to care about her. And if you care about her, you stop making it about yourself, and it becomes easier to hear what she has to tell you.
So here are five ways to become a better listener with a positive mindset:
1. Repeat after me, “It’s not about me, it’s not about me.”
If she’s in a particularly foul mood—good reason or not—it may be very difficult for you to patiently “take it” without giving in to the urge to retaliate with your own hurtful words. Don’t. Here’s a better suggestion. Just keep saying to yourself, “It’s not about me, it’s not about me.” You may not actually be listening to what she’s saying at that moment, but at least you’re not talking, and you’re keeping yourself from falling into old patterns. As a result, you’ll have managed not to contribute to what might have become an argument. Do this successfully for a while, and you’ll find yourself much more patient and capable of being that listener she needs.
2. Don’t try to fix
Your wife/partner needs to be able to talk to you, for as long as she needs (within reason), without your commenting or trying to help fix her. It may feel counter-intuitive, but the best fix is to not fix at all, just listen. If you can listen long enough and wait it out, you’ll see that just having you there to listen to her was all the fix she needed. If she asks you for help or for an opinion, it might be wise to tread lightly. If you can just remember that she’s more qualified to help herself than you are to help her, you’ll be in good shape.
3. Don’t multitask
It’s simply not possible to be a good listener and watch the game on TV, purchase something online, or fix a squeaking door. When you’re ready to listen to her, stop everything else you’re doing so she has your full attention. And if you’re in the middle of a task, let her know you want to hear her, but she’ll have to wait until you’ve completed whatever it is you’re doing. As long as you communicate with care, you’re in good shape. But remember, if you promised to listen to her later, DO IT!
5. Switch gears before you come home from work
When we’re talking about having a positive mindset, that’s often not the case after a hard day’s work. That’s why it’s essential for you to take a few moments to transition from work to home. If you’re driving home, stop near a park, breathe, and remember that your loving partner and family are waiting for their guy to walk through the door. IF you work at home, take the time to transition before you step into your living room. If you don’t intentionally make this transition, you’re likely to walk in with the concerns of the day and not be present for your loved ones. And by the way, they’ll all know as soon as you enter the house. You can’t fake it!
6. Seek professional help
Look out for professional help of a one-on-one life coach or therapist who can help you identify where the childhood wounds are and can work with you to help heal those wounds and ultimately lead you to having and keeping a positive mindset, which will allow you to stay present and non-reactive, and to be a better listener.
This is a quick overview of five ways to become a better listener with a positive mindset. Every man is different, and most men can benefit from the support of an experienced guide who can help them to heal and to learn new techniques to be successful in his relationship. It’s a journey well worth the effort.
If you’re ready, you can book a 1-on-1 free consultation for 15 minutes so we can discuss ways you can be successful in all of your relationships, especially the one with yourself.
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