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Stop Trying to Change Your Partner: Why Self-Improvement is Key for a Healthy Relationship

September 9, 2024

When we’re unhappy in a relationship we tend to blame. It’s the easiest place to go. If I’m unhappy, it’s obviously because of her. 

When we’re emotionally immature it’s easy to blame because all we see is what’s coming toward us. We never consider what we ourselves are putting out.

When we’re simply unconscious, asleep at the wheel of our life, it’s easy to ignore how what we do and what we say affects our behaviors and the experiences of those around us. 

And because so many men are unhappy, emotionally immature and relatively unconscious, it’s easy to see why men are blaming their partners for being in a lousy relationship.

Now, before the trolls start attacking me for giving all women a pass and blaming men for all of the difficulties in their relationships, take a breath and read on.

The Problems Begin When You Stop Communicating With Your Partner

Except in cases when bad behaviors are overwhelmingly toxic, abusive or violent, it’s generally not always so clear what the problems are and when they started. Most relationships have honeymoon periods where everything is rainbows and unicorns. In time, the rainbows begin to fade and the unicorns start to get annoying. The troubles begin when you and your partner neglect to discuss the changes that are occurring in your relationship, how you’re both feeling about each other and your views on what’s happening between the two of you.

Over the course of months and years, this “sweeping the feelings under the carpet” can create a wide variety of unhealthy dynamics. More tension and arguments. Even less communication and more distance between you. Passive aggressive behaviors and sarcasm. And on and on. You know what I’m talking about because you’re living it, on some level. That’s why you’re reading this post.

Do You Have A List Of Your Partner’s Annoying Behaviors?

There are a lot of situations that we come to dislike in our relationships, especially when we’ve been married or partnered for many years. For instance:

  1. You hear “NO” a lot, or some other rationale, for not being interested in doing the thing you’ve suggested, like an activity, day trip, vacation, a diner party, etc.
  2. You’re not having sex at the frequency you’d like or she just doesn’t seem (or has outright told you) that she’s just that interested in sex anymore.
  3. She spends more time at work or with work at home than she does being the wife you want or the mother you believe your kids need.
  4. She seems to have a lot more energy and enthusiasm talking to male colleagues or men from the neighborhood than she does when she’s alone with you.
  5. The two of you just can’t agree on anything, like how to raise the kids, how to spend free time, how to interact with extended family, or even what restaurant to go to.
  6. She seems to have a short fuse and yells or agues with the kids which makes you either fight with her about it or just walk away in frustration.

From my perspective as a life coach, these are all symptoms of dysfunction in the relationship that have been present for a very long time. In fact, the dysfunction usually comes from behaviours you both brought into the relationship from experiences you had in previous relationships (maybe) or from your childhood (definitely.) A topic for another post.

Frustrated With Your Failed Attempts To Improve Your Relationship?

Perhaps over the years, you’ve tried some of these things to affect a change, bridge the gap, or simply try to get her to change so that you’re getting what you want:

  1. Tried to tell her what was going on for you only to find yourselves in another argument.
  2. Suggested couples counselling only to hear that “you’re the one with the problem. I’m fine.”
  3. Purchased relationship books so that you could work through some exercises that might help open communication (which she might have agreed to) only to find those books collecting dust on the shelf.
  4. Suggested porn or some sort of party favour (drug) to activate your sex life only to receive an eye roll or worse. 
  5. Perhaps you told her you wanted to swing, bring another woman into your bedroom, or consider an open relationship. None of which went over well.

Or maybe, she tried these things or made these suggestions to you and received a cold reception. Either way, you failed to connect, to talk things through. Either way, you’re unhappy. So, let’s get back to you blaming her for your miserable situation.

In reaction to these failed attempts, negative reactions, and cumulative unhappiness, you’ve responded an any number of ways, like:

  1. You’ve shut down emotionally because the connection and intimacy you always wanted with her now seems hopeless.
  2. You’ve become a very angry and frustrated man.
  3. You kept trying to suggest the same tings over and over again until you became a bully.
  4. You regularly visit rub and tugs or prostitutes to fill the void, or masturbation and/or porn has become your sex life.
  5. You’ve begun to flirt so much that you’re either on the brink or you’ve already had your first affair
  6. You have grown so far apart that you barely know each other anymore.

What You Can Do To Be A Better Man In Your Relationship…or The Next One

The items I’ve listed here are just a very small sample of the myriad experiences, actions and reactions that can take place when your relationship has come off the rails. But even if the details of your marriage vary, you share the same feelings brought on by these examples. And that’s why it’s time for you to finally do the work you need to do to be the man you want to be and to be happy, either in this relationship or the next one. What might that look like?

  1. Book a consultation with an experienced life coach.
  2. Read some helpful books, like mine.
  3. Do some therapy.
  4. Talk with some trustworthy friends and ask for help.
  5. Join a men’s group.
  6. Attend a spiritual retreat, or begin a meditative or spiritual practice.
  7. Seek out alternative practitioners who offer various kinds of body and energetic healing.
  8. Journal and make lists of the things you want to do in your life, the relationship you want to have, as well as the man and father you want to be, so you can remember what you might have forgotten over time.

You Co-Created Your Current Relationship Out Of Doubt And Fear

All of these recommendations are designed to point you in the right direction, meaning, right at you! You’re unhappy because of what you co-created with your partner. You didn’t say what you needed to say because you were in doubt or fear because you didn’t have the skills. And because of that, you began to accept the unacceptable until it grew and grew.

You were so frustrated that you long ago stopped paying attention to her needs because you’ve been so focused on getting what you want and need. Over the years, you made so many adjustments, rationalizations and compromises that you can hardly recognize yourself. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There’s work to be done.

All of the effort you put in to trying to make your partner change hasn’t really worked. There may have been times when the needle appeared to be moving. But ultimately, she wasn’t going along with your suggestions or apparently making changes because she wanted to, but because she was just trying to please you, or just shut you up. And of course, there are those relationships where there exists so much trauma in the past that it was never going to be possible for the two of you to have a healthy, loving, long-term relationship.

Ask For Help To Be A Better Man In A Healthy Relationship

Take a deep breath. This is really important. And I know it can be overwhelming. But just remember that millions of men have had to make heroic efforts to become better men, fathers and partners. And oftentimes, what’s required is making very difficult decisions. So please, don’t make them alone. Always ask for help. 

No matter your current situation, there’s always a path to something better, and you’re the only one who can choose to take it.

Wayne Levine
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