I wrote a blog years ago featuring what I felt was the best dating advice I could offer, and that was, essentially, to be the best man you can be, and the right woman will find you. I still stand by that. Why? So much of the advice offered online is focused on strategy and manipulation. In essence, it’s more about getting laid than actually building emotional intimacy in relationships. And in my experience, though men are obviously interested in sex, mature men are ready for something much more.
What is Emotional Intimacy?
Although there are many ways to define emotional intimacy in relationships, I’ll focus on defining it in terms of what men need, how they operate, and what they’re up against in dealing with their very common fear of emotional intimacy.
What Does Emotional Intimacy Mean?
It means being vulnerable, being seen, and allowing one’s self to accept emotional support from an intimate relationship. Despite how challenging it may be for men to allow themselves to be that vulnerable, it is, without question, what many men are seeking. In fact, without that intimate connection with a significant other, many men live lives of deep sadness and loneliness. They live without emotional intimacy in relationships because it terrifies them.
Why Do Men Have a Fear of Emotional Intimacy?
We fear being vulnerable and making ourselves open to emotional intimacy because we’ve been hurt in the past. Pretty simple. That pain may have first been inflicted by an abusive parent, an emotionally withholding parent, the loss of a parent, or an early romantic break-up. If the child or young adult doesn’t receive the support he needs to heal, he will develop coping mechanisms, essentially building walls and avoiding emotional intimacy so he doesn’t feel that tremendous pain again.
Effects of Lack of Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship
As the boy grows and finds himself in relationships, his resistance to emotional intimacy will set him on a course of unsatisfying relationships, often times feeling frustrated and causing his partners to leave due to their own frustration.
One experience after another, without reaching out for help to understand why his relationships are flaming out, can leave a man confused, angry, lonely, and depressed. And in this state, he can act out in any number of unhealthy ways, which further distances him from ever having the emotional intimacy in relationships he craves.
How to Create Emotional Intimacy
Let’s look at some specific pieces of wisdom that will help you whether you’re wanting to heal from a life absent of emotional intimacy, you’re wanting to improve emotional intimacy in your relationship, or your goal is to rebuild emotional intimacy in marriage after years of relationship struggles.
- If you haven’t already, invest your time and dollars in working with a one-on-one life coach for men so you can have a fundamental understanding of how you became the man you are today. That might include how your childhood experiences impacted your emotional world, how your relationship history might have affected your perspective on women, and how the coping mechanisms you developed to survive in life are now working against you.
- Read a good book. Let me suggest my best-selling Hold On to Your N.U.T.s—The Relationship Manual for Men. It’s an excellent primer on the basics of being the best man you can be in your life and in your primary relationship. I’ll highlight a few of the most important tools below because they will absolutely help you to improve your intimacy skills. But in addition to my book, there is a wealth of knowledge available in other books, podcasts, YouTube videos, courses, and seminars. Dive in!
- Learn to be a better listener. Without going into the details, just know that the traumatic experiences you’ve had in life contribute to the difficulty you have now in actually listening to and hearing what your partner is trying to tell you. She’s trying to tell how she feels. But you may only be able to hear criticism, judgment, and shaming. It’s probably because you’ve been through this before, like perhaps with mom or dad?
- Share your emotional ups and downs with your partner. She really wants to know how you feel about things she cares about, and the things you care about. She feels safer when she can trust you, and she can trust you when you’re being real, open, and vulnerable. It’s not about leaning on your partner all of the time and crying about your daily complaints. It’s about allowing her to know about you, your past, what you believe in, and what moves you. A real man can open his heart to a woman.
- Run the sex and romance departments. Remember that everything is foreplay. From the moment you get up in the morning and give her a kiss, to the time to come home with the grocery list completed, to the moment you light the candle, hit play, and show her how much you love her and her body. It’s your job to run the sex and romance departments. That’s what she’s waiting for.
This is a quick overview of my Top Dating Advice for Men: Building Emotional Intimacy with Your Partner. Every man is different, and most men can benefit from the support of an experienced guide who can shepherd them through this process of becoming a better man. It’s a journey well worth the effort.
If you’re ready, you can book a 1-on-1 free consultation for 15 minutes so we can discuss ways you can be successful in dating and in developing new skills for building emotional intimacy.
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